Last night we had one of those moments where I REALLY WISH I
HAD FILMED THE WHOLE THING.
After catching up on The X Factor, I head into my bedroom,
turn the light on and am involuntarily greeted by the biggest cockroach
perched on the wall about 3 inches from my face.
"Mummy mummy mummy
mummy MUMMY...!!"
"What, darling?"
"There's a ... thin- ... a thing... a cockroach...
here... on my... wall... here... HELP!
It's HUGE OMG it's the biggest thing I've ever seen oh my GOD get rid of
it!!"
At this point, Mother comes in with force, ready to
exterminate. However, as I point out the intruder, Mother takes note of the
size of him....
"Oh. OH MY GOD. Okay okay okay it's okay, okay. So....
ok. OK. OH MY GOD. ....."
Now, we are both standing there like lemons.
Suddenly, with NO warning at all (rude), the cockroach leaps
off the wall and flies very quickly into
my bathroom!
I can provide 100% honesty in saying that neither Mother nor
I have screamed so loudly in all my life. Mother, for once, had her brain in
gear and quickly closed the bathroom door to trap him, whilst I ran around the
house (mostly hopping on the furniture to avoid more creepy insects on the
floor.... obviously) screaming and partially laughing.
Mother then instructs me;
"Darling! Call security! Quickly, call the men to come
and help us!"
After explaining to the Spanish security guard on the phone
that we have a HUGE cockroach in our apartment and will he come and rescue us
please, Mother - who is grasping the door handle of the bathroom to keep the
cockroach from prising open the door, against the force of a human, with his
giant muscle-arms - calls to me;
"Honey, come and guard the door while I go and put my
lipstick on! I can't be seen like this."
(She has her pyjamas tucked into her wellies and yet it is
the lipstick that is prioritised).
We then swap guard duty again while I fix my hair.
Two minutes later, the security guards arrive. Two men
equipped with guns and truncheons.... and insect repellent.
"OH! GRACIAS! Gracias! Please help us... is in there... grande... GRANDE!" Mother
attempts more communication. Embarrassing.
The two guards do not speak English, so I have to translate
to Mother what they are doing / saying. This is extremely difficult when Mother
is constantly flapping her arms and yelling; "DON'T KILL HIM DON'T KILL
HIM DON'T KILL HIM DON'T LET THEM KILL HIM OH GOD ARE THEY GOING TO KILL
HIM!?"
The guards are now in my bathroom with their flash lights,
looking for the 'cucaracha'.
A few minutes later they spray what looks like insecticide
all over my bathroom and close the door.
"Do not worry, all it is under control, we have under
control now. We have sprayed this... the cucaracha will die, is ok now".
Jolly good, dead cucaracha. I'm not bothered (Mother is
close to tears) so long as it's not sharing the same space as me.
The guards leave and I'm ready to head to bed, content with
the thought that the necessary action has taken place and I will not be eaten
alive by a cockroach.
Mother has a different view.
"You do know it's not dead, don't you?"
"What?"
"It's not dead, I'll bet you. It's still in there....
somewhere."
"I'm sure the guards have dealt with it..."
"No. I don't think we're safe. Do you want to risk
being killed by a cockroach tonight? DO YOU? Because, let me tell you, he will
come for you tonight, little Claude. While you're sleeping, his antennae will
poke up your nose. He will bite off your eyelashes, did you know that??"
Great. So, there's no way I'll be sleeping tonight, whatever
happens. We better find this cockroach and see that he is dead with our own
eyes.
Mother assumes the position of hero once again.
Thirty seconds later, Mother is slowly opening the bathroom
door to locate the cockroach.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHH AHHHHHHHHHH OH MY GODDD!!!!"
Ok, so Claude is alive. Very much so, in fact. His wings are
definitely intact. We both spend the next five minutes screaming and running
around the house with various capturing-objects. We are hysterically laughing
each time we find the cockroach and are both too afraid to get any closer, so
it's a consistent pattern of opening the door, seeing the cockroach, feeling
relief that he is in view before screaming and running away. This cycle repeats
for five more minutes until Mother's bravery kicks in;
"Right, that's it, I've had enough. You're getting out,
we're setting you free. Don't worry, Claude, we won't hurt you... come HERE!"
& with a frantic, squealing swoop, Mother captures
Claude in a glass and carries him away to freedom (while I stand on my bed,
squealing).
Living with Mother has its perks.
Honestly, Mother has trumped the security guard's ability
once again and I feel very lucky today. My voice is lost but my eyelashes are
still here and what's more important? Exactly.
xoxo
 |
| Giant Claude |
 |
| Security to the rescue |
