tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-89348064161413746772024-03-12T20:27:36.068-07:00The whimsical adventures of two ladies from Hove ActuallyCharlotte-Elizabeth Garwood owns the copyright for this blog and all its contents.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger105125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934806416141374677.post-56804159690621006192018-12-18T10:50:00.001-08:002018-12-18T10:50:46.133-08:00Mother and the Tradesmen<br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">*names have been changed<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Dear lord and lady where do I start with this? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I'm not sure this post is going to be
#relatable unless you live in Catalunya and are an expert in dealing with the
tradesmen here.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Electrical sockets. A simple thing. However, the architects
and electricians here do not go through any form of training. They just give it
a whirl and hope for the best, which is evidently what happened when they built
our apartment. Unfortunately, this means that our sockets and lights and
various other electrical fittings frequently malfunction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For the latest disaster, we made the mistake
of enlisting<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>'outside help'. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Five weeks ago, a little man arrived (with zero tools) to
fix our sockets that didn't have any current and Mother's broken bathroom
mirror light. Mother and I both glanced at each other when *George waddled into
our house to "take a look". He "took a look" and then
returned to his van to bring his tool box up. It was more of a small first aid
box but there we go. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"You see? The lamp is broken, no light, look!"
Mother indicates to George to look at the broken light. He had already
established the situation but I translated anyway.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Si. Ok."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I tell Mother that George is going to change the bulb. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"He'll break it. I bet. Look! There's no wa..."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Ah. George has smashed the bulb connections.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">George sighs and blasphemes in Catalan.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I do not translate.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"WHOOOPS A DAISY, GEORGE! I TOLD YOU! We need a whole
new fitting!" Mother's input was, of course, valued in this sensitive
situation.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">George tells me he must now remove the entire mirror. He
begins to lift the mirror (by himself)...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">He bonks a corner of the mirror on the marble wall tiles and
it shatters.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">This is going really well. I'm trying to stifle my giggles
whilst Mother is screaming internally.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Oh!" Mother exclaims.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">George is absolutely mortified. I can't bear to look. I'd
quite like to leave, to be honest.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Well, what now? You can't leave that here like that,
it's DANGEROUS!" Mother, offering her help.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">George apologises and explains he will have to go and buy a
new lamp and mirror and bring it back in a few days.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">A tremendous huff comes from beside me;</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"WHAT? OH NOOOOOOO, I CAN'T BE WITHOUT A MIRROR! AND
WITHOUT A LIGHT! LOOK AT THIS NOISE THE FAN MAKES WITHOUT THE LIGHT! LISTEN!
LOOK! LISTEN!"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I try to make the situation a little less uncomfortable by
not translating Mother's demands.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Anyway. Fast forward 5 weeks. Yes, that's right. 5 weeks.
The current day. I have aged. During the last 5 weeks there has been a
ridiculous amount of communication between Mother and George's employers
regarding how slow and useless tradesmen are. I might also add here that dear
old George arranged 3 visits within these 5 weeks that he simply did not turn
up to. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I receive a phone call this afternoon from George, telling
me he is half an hour away.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I see. Appointments are not in their brain capacity, it
would seem. I gently tell Mother;</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"PARDON?! WHAT? What on earth is this chaotic mess?!
How do these morons operate? They cannot work like normal people, can they! As
if they just assume we will be at home! We have stayed home the previous 3
times and he didn't even arrive! LIBERTY! "</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">We stayed home to encounter George again.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">He arrived with an accomplice. Just as useless, I'm afraid. They
also arrived empty handed.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">It seemed to click when Mother stared at George, as he
swiftly (nervously) jumped back downstairs to collect the lamp. His accomplice
was left alone with Mother projecting God knows what at him (he does not speak
English, either).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">George trots back with a lamp under his arm. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Before they connect it they spend 15 minutes figuring out
how to do it. That training day they didn't attend really would have come in
useful here. Mother suddenly says;</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"What colour is it? It better not be some ghastly LED
light! Oh GOD what if it's not the same as the last one! I want a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">warm </i>light not a horrendous <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">blue</i> light!"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I gently ask what colour it is and close my eyes as George
informs me it is, indeed, a cool blue LED light.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I translate this back to Mother.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"WHAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTT???!!!!!!!!"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Mother pulls her entire body a foot back and rearranges her
facial features as if she has just witnessed 12 humans vomit all over her
Chanel suit.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"EEEUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRGHHHHHHH! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I didn't feel the need to translate.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"You don't want?" Poor George is very confused,
after being pestered for 5 weeks to bring the damn lamp.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"NoooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo!!!!!!!!"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I grow concerned as Mother looks as<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>though she might have a mental breakdown any
second.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Faces are just glancing at one another, trying to figure out
what's going on as Mother rapidly shakes her head and slaps her hands on her
face.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"urmmmmm....." I do not know what to say.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"THIS IS NO GOOD!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Oh for God's sake, I can't believe this! What do you mean, it's not the
same as the last one!? I want the same as BEFORE! Oh my GOD<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just...... I can't have BLUE! It's awful!
It's cheap! Look at how cheap this is! I can't bear it, oh God no make it stop
turn it OFF TURN IT OFF!!"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">George is looking at Mother as though he has murdered her
husband.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I shake my head apologetically and they start disassembling
the lamp...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Mother then demands the men to find the lamp she wanted, the
warm light. However, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum inform me that they can 'try'
but it could take weeks.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Ah, what a surprise.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Mother gives in;</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Oh for God's sake, just leave it there then. I'll just
have to not use it won't I! NEVER turn it on because I'll be blinded by that
horrific white glow! YUCK! If they take it away I won't have a lamp for the
next 12 years!"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Ever the exaggerator.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Where is the new mirror?"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mother asks, as she sees the men trying to
fit it to the broken mirror.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Ah. Apparently they do not have one. There appears to be two
mirrors stuck to each other and only the top mirror is broken, so they want to
pull them apart and leave us with the mirror intact.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"IT WILL BREAK! IT WILL BREAKKKKK!!!!" </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Mother is not wrong. I do not know anything about DIY but it
doesn't seem feasible to pull apart two mirrors that have been suspiciously
glued together without resulting in a giant shattered mess that will take them
five more weeks to clear up.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Conversations ensue as<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Mother's level of annoyance increases and the level of awkwardness in
the room rises rapidly. The men are trying to convince us that it won't break.
They will "try" and if it does, they will bring a new one. When that
would be is under much questioning. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Oh God. Darling, tell them! Tell them it will break!
Tell these men.... ask the men what the voltage of the lamp is! Tell them I AM
TRAINED in these things, I KNOW! Move them out of the way. Don't let them touch
that broken mirror! It WILL break and I will be without a mirror and a light
and oh GOD this is ..... just TELL THEM, darling, tell them what I'm
saying!"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">This is very difficult to translate because, at the exact
same time,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>intellectual George decides
to give his lengthy speech in Spanish to me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"So, yes or no to mirror?"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"what? WHATTT? I want a NEW MIRROR! Oh for God's sake!
Just leave it. Just leave it. Gracias. I suppose"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">The men then proceed to wrap hideous black duct tape across
all the shattered and broken parts of the mirror. This is gorgeous, really sets
off the pearl marble wall. Lovely.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Mother glares at their work in disgust and then rolls her
eyes. She has given up trying to teach these men how to work.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I take the initiative to refuse further translation in the
hopes that it will get these morons out of our house a lot faster. Mother
continues to screech translation instructions to me as I nod and say some sort
of Spanish rubbish to the men to satisfy her.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Eventually they leave with their first aid box. Oh, and the
cat. Thank you very much Dumb and Dumber, you've left the front door wide open
and taken our cat with you. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">So, here we are. The lamp replacement is about as good as no
lamp at all, since Mother refuses to switch it on. The mirror is worse than
before they came in the first place. This is the archetypical story of inviting
tradesmen into your home; they come to fix one thing and break another.
However, in Catalunya, they don't fix the first thing and end up breaking two
things.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">We'll do it ourselves next time. DIY QUEENS DO NOT NEED A
MAN!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Thank you, next.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">xoxo</span></div>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934806416141374677.post-48715648909837690822018-11-06T07:22:00.004-08:002018-11-06T07:22:39.471-08:00Holiday Throwback<br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Hello dear readers. I am fully aware of the thousands of
blog posts in my mind that are not getting the exposure they deserve, however I
do intend to rectify that. I shall not digress into guilt here, however. This
post is about our accidental holiday exactly ten years ago.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">In the autumn of 2008, Mother and I were becoming desperate
for some sun after spending three months trying to embrace the 'British
Summer'. Alas, as many of you might be aware, The Summer of '08 in the UK did
not live up to our expectations. So, upon the arrival of my October half term,
Mother decided to whisk us both off to an exotic destination. Since the
internet was invented, going on holiday has become increasingly difficult, in
my opinion, due to the never-ending options, discounts and false advertisements
seeping out of your PC screen. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Booked!" Mother exclaimed as I came home from
school one day.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"What? What is booked?"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Our holiday, darling!" </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Oh good! Where are we going?"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"A beautiful island off<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>the coast of Spain! One of the Balearic Islands, sweetie!" </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Obviously I didn't know what a Balearic Island was but the
word "island" was enough to get me packing. In the midst of my
teenage years, I decided that 12 pairs of shorts and 97 bikinis would be sufficient
for a 5 day break. Wonder where I get it from.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Arriving at the check-in, I realise we are flying to
Mallorca. Now, ordinarily, this is a great choice for some European sun in
October. However, I simply never imagined Mother stepping foot in Mallorca,
simply because every time she mentions it, she pronounces it;
"Muh-YAAAAAAAW-KAAA" (with a delightfully strong South-East London
accent) and grimaces. Oh well, perhaps this is a different 'Mallorca'. Maybe
it's Majorca? Is that a different place? My 16 year old self was fairly weak on
European geography.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">A number of hours later, we are being shuffled off the
plane, out into the sunny airport car park of Mallorca and shoved into a people
carrier with about 10 other people. Well, this is fun, I thought. It's like
'Coach Trip'. Mother tried to smile (grimace) towards the other passengers
(oddly enough, most of them were from ...... 'The North'.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A source of distress for Mother).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Anyway, this trip from airport to hotel takes rather a long
time. I am desperate to get to the beach (hello yes that's me, the typical Brit
sun-seeker).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mother is desperate to get
off the minibus. Unfortunately, we are the final drop off (evidently the bus
was an airport transfer for a variety of people all going to different areas of
the island). <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, after a lengthy tour of
Mallorca's motorways, the driver says to us (in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">perfect </i>English. In fact, he was English. Possibly<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>a 'Gary') ; "alright ladies, 'ere we
are. Magaluf. 'Av a nice 'oliday!"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Magaluf.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Mother has booked a holiday in... Magaluf.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">We are in Magaluf?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>MAGALUF?! </b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Magaluf, as in 'Shag-a-luf'?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">WOW. Fantastic. Great. This is just.... Yes, excellent. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">For those who are unaware, Magaluf is not a holiday
destination. It is hell.</span></div>
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simple Google Image search will not show ANY photographs of an idyllic island,
let me assure you. This is what you will find on the first results page;</span></div>
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o:title="Image result for magaluf shagaluf drunk"/>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpRMNUG45LtmcE8NABMB83mcvcsHqk7Jy_7yWmbKkXFGMELV2_8FZMDUYRZGmtt3iVhV6mksmSESOaSYvxvkqbkUwoh3MJH4joiQGIzPUvcQVqB8E_WzzfKQCDtkHImOlQWtrRIosovCsR/s1600/magaluf-passed-out_3334682b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><img border="0" data-original-height="387" data-original-width="620" height="196" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpRMNUG45LtmcE8NABMB83mcvcsHqk7Jy_7yWmbKkXFGMELV2_8FZMDUYRZGmtt3iVhV6mksmSESOaSYvxvkqbkUwoh3MJH4joiQGIzPUvcQVqB8E_WzzfKQCDtkHImOlQWtrRIosovCsR/s320/magaluf-passed-out_3334682b.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">I nearly vomited whilst scrolling through.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">A Booze Cruise doesn't appeal to me, I'm afraid.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Mother remained silent for approximately 45 minutes. This is
unheard of. A moment of silence from Mother is absolutely terrifying and is a
sure indication that something rather shocking is about to occur. However, when
Mother eventually uttered a word, she simply said;<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Magaluf? I don't think I booked...
Magaluf?"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">So. We are on an accidental holiday. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">However, to my great surprise, Mother then said;</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Oh well. We're here now and it's sunny. Get your
swimsuit on, darling. We'll go to the beach!"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">A remarkably positive outlook on such a horrific situation.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">And so it goes that we spent the remainder of that day
avoiding the club street and enjoying the white sandy beaches. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">For those of you needing a good cry, now would be the time.
The following day a ridiculously large storm arrived in Shagaluf, barricading
Mother and I<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(and all the other hotel
residents) inside the hotel. You may think that the worst part of it all would
be the extremely untimely weather that lasted the remainder of the holiday. It
was not. It was, in fact, the simple idea of spending an entire twelve hours
inside a hotel with the Tylers and the Damiens and the Kierans and the
Chontelles and the Kayleighs . Sorry, Katie Hopkins got inside my head there. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">With absolutely nothing to do (unless we were willing to
watch Casino Royale on a loop in the breakfast room),<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mother became creative. Dear old Travel-Ted
was gifted with a tailor-made napkin suit;</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-aHuebRD9Mc1OX0GMMsalqUr3RUVJ74ETrhXbyxF7wNQS-Xjo9xdlsxTEAaThmbcJYQDJbqgZvloaYmRGsToB0llx-jQbODmEck-bj1diZw_gCIo6nxlcCL-7Ch1HLXNavVgtjkyXRft5/s1600/100_0406.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-aHuebRD9Mc1OX0GMMsalqUr3RUVJ74ETrhXbyxF7wNQS-Xjo9xdlsxTEAaThmbcJYQDJbqgZvloaYmRGsToB0llx-jQbODmEck-bj1diZw_gCIo6nxlcCL-7Ch1HLXNavVgtjkyXRft5/s320/100_0406.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">How resourceful she is.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">The glowing beacon of hope on this trip was the Indian
Restaurant along the beach. To our surprise, it was better than decent.
Practically empty as they didn't serve greasy drunk food at 4am. Mother made very good friends with Dave, the Indian
waiter and owner. Sort of a one-man-band situation here, I think. I, myself, am
still stunned as to why 'Dave' decided that Magaluf was a good place to reside
and start his business. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Mother, not one to be defeated by the world's most dreadful
town, made conversation with Dave every single night (yes, we ate there every
single night). A small feast of mildly-interrogative questions hop back into my
memory here;</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Are you married? Where is your family? Do they live
here? Why are you here?"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Ok, so simple, small-talk questions. Unfortunately, however,
it escalated by the third evening so much that I actually ended up
third-wheeling their dinner date. (To clarify; it was definitely not a romantic date. I would not have allowed such a disaster).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">The moral of the story, here, is ... NEVER go to Magaluf.
Not even accidentally. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">However, if you <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">do <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>find yourself there and cannot escape
(crying at the thought) , make the most of it and hang out with Dave and his
curries. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I hope you enjoyed this little memory (traumatic flashback
for me, personally) and raise your glass to more on-brand, exotic holidays in future.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">xoxo</span></div>
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934806416141374677.post-74267586606713965322018-03-05T03:18:00.002-08:002018-03-05T03:18:28.468-08:00In which Mother tries to reprimand<br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Good evening all! It is very late on a Saturday evening, so
we know what that means, right? YES, indeed, it is one of the seven nights of
the week that Mother has several glasses of wine and behaves
inappropriately!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The only reason I enjoy
these tests of my patience is my ability to write a blog about it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Mother and I are on a 4-day business trip (sidenote: I do
not work with Mother on a regular basis) in a 'lovely' *cough* little town
beside Valencia city. The purpose of this trip is strictly business, therefore
leaving very little time to explore, which meant that I was not at all
disappointed to find the hotel and venue in an extremely odd, remote area.
However, my life <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">does </i>revolve around
food (obviously) and so, upon dinner time, I am curious as to what I might be
able to consume in this little village-thing. A-ha! A supermarket,</span><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"> thank you very much! A good little take-away salad will suffice. Oooh,
look! They have pots of pureed fruit for adults! Right up my street! ... Ah,
no... wait. Of course. The baby food does not quite reach the high standards that Mother
holds. Instead, we venture into the 'town' to find something better.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Perhaps they have a simple French bistro,
darling!"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Yes, I'm sure someone has popped up an exquisitely posh,
French culinary delight opposite the auto repair garage. Oh, I think I just saw
Marion Cotillard glide out of there.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I must preface this by informing you all that Mother is in
need of some hot food<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>due to her
unbelievable misfortune the other night. I brought home some rosemary potatoes
and tartar sauce from our friends' Italian restaurant to go with our fish and
halloumi. Mother prepared the dinner by burning the halloumi (in the oven..!?)
and filling our entire home with cheese-scented smoke. I then seated
myself down for dinner to see steam coming off the tartar sauce. I enquired.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Why is the tartar sauce steaming, Mother?"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Pardon? No, darling, that's not tartar sauce."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Yes. Yes it is. Why is it.... hot?"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"It was hot when I took it out of the bag,
sweetie!" </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"No, Mother. It was <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">next
to</i> the carton of hot potatoes. Perhaps the potatoes <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">warmed </i>the portion of sauce a little bit... but why is the sauce
now steaming?"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"..... I put it in the oven. It's supposed to be baked,
isn't it?"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Are you joking? You put tartar sauce.... <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">in the oven???"<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Well, yes! I thought I had to heat it up!"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">So there we have it. Mother burnt the halloumi to a crisp
and we dined in a smoke filled room trying to eat lumpy, baked tartar sauce.
You can see, now, why Mother might have felt inclined to find food cooked by
anyone else.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Back to the restaurant-hunt in the desert. So, there is only
one restaurant here. It is Chinese. I was sceptical, what's new. Mother was
optimistic. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"It must be lovely, darling! - Look, there are real
Chinese people coming out of it. They must be real Chinese chefs, it'll be
great!"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">To be honest, she was right. It was the BEST Chinese food I
have ever eaten and it was unbelievably cheap. A miracle. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">We dined here yesterday for lunch and returned back to the
hotel (rolling) very happily. Today, we decide to return for dinner, rather
than stuff our faces with more boxed salads. Half way through our Korean
chicken (ten out of ten, would recommend), a family of 300 come in. I
exaggerate. 4 adults, 6 children. One child is one child too many, in my
opinion, however I mildly understand the necessity of reproduction and I manage
to hold back any resentment. Mother, on the other hand, does not. As the family
enter the restaurant, the excessive amount of children pour themselves into the
fish pond and loudly exclaim, continuously, with excitement. I presume they
have never seen a fish before. I inhale and exhale, like YouTube meditation
videos teach you to do whenever feeling a little overwhelmed. Meanwhile, Mother
instantly marches (loudly) over to the table of parents who have seated
themselves as far away from their own offspring as the restaurant's seating
arrangements could possible allow.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"NIÑOS! YOUR NIÑOS, SÍ??!!" *translation;
"Children!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your children, yes??!!"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">All four parents spin around and meet Mother's
extraordinarily angry face. I see them physically tremble as they slowly nod...</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"LOUD! TOO<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>LOUD!" Mother covers her ears frantically over and over again like
a monkey.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Immediately, without hesitation, all four parents (the two
men look at their partners to see what to do) get up and literally run over to
their children, shouting "STOP, STOP, STOPPPPP!" despairingly at
them. The children obey straight away and are formally escorted away from the
fascinating fish and back to their seats, nodding apologetically towards Mother
on their way. Mother nods, smugly, back. An understanding has been established.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">During this, my reflex was to pretend I had nothing to do
with Mother. I did not know this crazy British woman. I am dining alone. I take
my phone from my bag and lean over it as if I have something very important to
write. In fact, I open my notes and type; "chinese. children. cringe.
help. blog." in hopes that this will have a dual purpose of disguising my
knowledge of what's going on with Mother and also remind me to write a blog
about it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">The remainder of our dinner went smoothly, of course.
HAHAHA<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>OF COURSE IT DIDN'T. Nope, one
display was not enough this evening, we had to have two. Another family arrived
shortly after; mother, father, son, daughter. They seemed civilised and quiet
(in comparison). However, when Mother is on a role, she really doesn't like to
be stopped. So, when the little boy/girl (all children sound the same to me)
raised his/her voice a tiny decibel above Mother's accepted noise level, she
shot up, out of her chair like an overdue firework. Immediately, without Mother
actually opening her mouth, the father spun around and said;</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, haha!"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and delivered a huge, friendly smile whilst
Mother continued to bare her gritted teeth and snarl. Much like a dog.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Mother finds it difficult to accept the kind-hearted nature
of the Spanish, due to spending many years in England, gearing up for some kind
of verbal altercation at any opportune moment. So, Mother un-snarled slowly (an
amusing visual) and nodded in acceptance. No words exited her mouth.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"It is Spain, this is what it is like, hahaha!"
The wonderfully happy father proceeded to say. Poor soul, he thought he was going
to get a laugh back. He did not. Mother simply said "mmhmm..." and
smiled ( a bit). I however, interjected and took on the situation by sharing an
embarrassingly large grin and laugh back at him, to show him that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I </i>understood, do not worry, please don't
feel bad, I, in fact, am mortified.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">" Well, if that is what Spain is like, bringing their
children up to behave like chimpanzees in restaurants, they are DOING IT
WRONG!" Mother informed me as she turned back to our table.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Mortified that the family might have heard (very strong
understanding of English), I whipped out my phone again, on autopilot,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>ready to disassociate myself from Mother,
forgetting that she was sitting at my table. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Once again, I must stress to you, dear reader, that Mother
is not Cruella de Vil (all the time) and is usually ridiculously nice to
everyone she meets. As long as they are male. And athletic. With brown eyes.
And shirtless.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Until next time, chums! xoxo</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934806416141374677.post-7219377798023587142017-11-08T01:17:00.002-08:002017-11-08T01:17:54.814-08:00A Life or Death Situation...<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">A few weeks ago, Mother went on a girls' night out.
Inevitably, she found herself obtaining another BFF and this has led to many
more girls' nights out. A dinner is planned for her and the girls this Friday
in a restaurant. To Mother's dismay, it is Spanish. Actually, it is Catalan ...
but we won't get into that debate on this blog, no thank you. So, as we all
know, Mother is not a fan of Spanish food and makes it known to everyone she
comes across (including strangers). So, she had to investigate specific details
of this restaurant beforehand. Unfortunately, she insisted I join her on this
walking-tour-of-town after my shift at work. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Oh, rats! I forgot to look up the address, can you do
it when you get to work, darling? I'm busy."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Yes. I shall do that at work because it's not like I have
anything else to do. Like... work, or anything...</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">So, I found the address of the restaurant and after work I
met mother (a very irritable Mother because she had been in a 'high street'
store where there were children present) and we walked a good twenty minutes to
the other side of town. At every step of the way, Mother said; "Ah yes, I
recognise this, I think the restaurant is around the corner, it's got an arched
wooden door"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">N.B. The houses, buildings, museums, restaurants etc in this
area of Spain, as I am sure you can imagine, <i>all </i>have arched, wooden doors.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">So, we made our turns around these corners. Until we were
back to where we started. I checked
Google Maps again and showed her that we were standing at the exact location of
the restaurant and then I pointed up to a sign that displayed the name of the
restaurant. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Oh, um.. well that's not it!"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Excellent. "What do you mean, Mother? It clearly is...
this is the name of the restaurant you told me. Here it is. It even has wooden
doors, see?"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"No, no, no! I'm telling you, this isn't the one! It's
got a blue sign! It's not this one. Come on, darling."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">So, off we trot in search of a restaurant that Mother cannot
remember the name of. Or the location. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">A further twenty minutes later, we step into the path of two
policemen.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Ah, wonderful, they'll know, come on!" Mother
says as she drifts towards the tall, dark and handsome policeman. The older,
shorter man was completely invisible it would seem.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I tried to quietly stop her, as I'm sure these policemen are
not here to tour-guide Mother.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Hello! Hola! Do you speak English?" Mother smiles
up at Hunky Policeman.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Si! Yes I do, can I help?" Bless him, he's very
sweet.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Ah yes, thank you. Well - I'm
looking for a restaurant! It's near here"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Ok, no problem! What is the name of the
restaurant?" </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Ah. Yes. This is the problem. I don't actually
know...." Mother displays an intense 'sorry' expression on her face.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"....right. Um.. okay... what kind of cuisine?"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Spanish. Well, I think. I don't actually like Spanish
food but, you see, I'm going for dinner this Friday in this restaurant that is
apparently Spanish but I don't like Spanish food - sorry - so I have to go and
look and see, do you see?"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"...Si. Ok. So....
a Spanish restaurant, you are looking for, yes?"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"....yes. OH, it has paintings on the ceiling!"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Hmmm...." Hunky Policeman turns to his colleague
and presents the dilemma to him. He is of little help, considering the minimal
detail he has to work with.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">The colleague turns and
continues his job; redirecting the traffic with his whistle. Mother
jumps dramatically each time the whistle is blown. Hunky Policeman finds this
most amusing. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Why is he blowing his whistle?" Mother
demonstrates whistle-blowing.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Haha, well - it is the job of the policeman, we must
stop cars from coming here on this street"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"oh, why?" Mother enquires.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Well, there is lots of ambulance and fire fighters
there because a lady she jump from the balcony at the house there on the
street"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Right. So Mother is interrupting this very serious suicidal
rescue mission in order to locate a restaurant four days in advance.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Oh, really!? Gosh, that's terrible! Do you have data
on your phone? We can look at all the restaurants here on Google and maybe I
will recognise the name?"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Yes of course, I will look, it's no problem" This
man is very, very accommodating. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Ten minutes later, after letting Hunky Policeman scroll
through pages of Google, Mother calls her BFF and asks her the name of the
restaurant.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">What an idea.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Ah, yes - that's it!" Mother says as she is
informed of the restaurant's name.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Hunky Policeman looks excitedly at Mother as she comes off
the phone.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Mother sheepishly gives him the name of the restaurant;
"yes, it's the one you said ten minutes ago. Sorry...."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"No, it's no problem! So, this restaurant is down this
street here and you walk to the plaza and then you turn to left and you see the
Calle [street] and maybe you ask with people for the restaurant close to there?
It is that way, see?"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"WONDERFUL! You have been most helpful! I am sure you
have better things to be doing but I am so grateful! Really - and if I see you
again I will tell you if I found it! Thank you, muchas gracias, darling!"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Mother then proceeds to jut her arm out and grab his unaware
hand in a firm handshake. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"oh, aha, yes you are welcome!" He is taken aback
but smiling, nonetheless.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Mother sends a loud parting wave to his colleague and shouts
"GRACIAS!!!!" at him. He gives her a little wave back.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I manage to subtly take Mother's arm and lead her away from
Hunky Policeman before she takes up any more of his time asking his name (I
could see it coming. It would become a short but intense 'how-to-pronounce-it'
lesson of which I wanted to avoid).</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Eventually, a lifetime later (I am sure I developed an extra
wrinkle somewhere), we found the restaurant. For your information, it was two
minutes from where I work and did not have a blue sign anywhere near it. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">It was also very closed. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Ultimately, a fairly useless two hours that I could have spent at home with my Christmas
pyjamas on.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I am quite sure that Mother will approach every police
officer in town over the coming weeks to inform them that she 'found the
restaurant but it was closed'. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I shall be holding down the fort in my festive PJ's on
Friday, whilst Mother is gallivanting around town. Another example of roles
reversing. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">xoxo</span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934806416141374677.post-63850242265784382352017-08-28T08:44:00.001-07:002017-08-28T08:44:44.565-07:00MOTHER CLAIMS TO BE A ROCKET SCIENTIST.<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">A slight kerfuffle arose recently regarding a new key for a
(perfectly fine) door. Long story short; our lovely, safety-conscious neighbour
decided it was necessary to change the locks on a shared external door (in
light of the recent Barcelona attacks...) which, in turn, meant that Mother had
to go to a very specific key-cutting store to make a copy of the new key. Unfortunately,
a regular key-cutting store wouldn't... <i>cut
it... </i>(HAHAHA excuse the pun!) I say "Mother had to go" but - of
course - that means me as well.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Arriving at the store (finally, after negotiating their
bizarre, Spanish opening times), I spot two women operating the machines and
zero men. I suggest immediately leaving so as not to waste time. Mother wishes
to combat my sexist opinions (a basic concept that Spanish women are capable of
giving birth to a lot of children and not much else) by confidently marching in
and reeling off a script of information (in English, of course) regarding the
key situation to one of the two women. The woman stares at Mother. I intervene;
condensing Mother's narrative into a "please can you make a copy of this
key? Thanks". </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Ah, it is not a normal key. It is a "special" key.
A security key. With codes. The woman asks some questions and trots off, a
little scatterbrained, trying to locate a scrap of tiny paper with a 5-digit
code scribbled on. A-ha, the EVER-SO-IMPORTANT-SECURITY-CODE needed to make the
copy. Glad she was able to dig that out from underneath her ham baguette. She
then informs us that, as it is a complicated key, could we come back another
day? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Pardon?" Mother is shocked.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">The woman explains that, as they are currently making a set
of copies for a community, they cannot stop the machine (the ONE machine they
have in this key-copying-shop) so we will have to return another day. The fact that we are even in
here, getting a copy of a new key that wasn't necessary in the first place, is
rather irritating. To have to return another day was, apparently, not an option
for Mother.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"No. You'll have to stop that machine. I can't come
back. Do it now. I've got a plane to catch and I need this key, it's to my
HOUSE!" (n.b. ~ flight was non-existent...)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">The flustered woman pressed a button and the machine
stopped. Evidently not too much of a problem. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">This is precisely when my thought process went from
"we'll be out of here in 5 minutes, brilliant" to; "I am going to be forced to spend
the rest of my living life in this store."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">The following 25 minutes consisted of Woman 1 aggressively
pressing multiple buttons on a high-tech touch screen programming system,
whilst Woman 2 observed closely, occasionally joining in on the screen-prodding.
Multiple times, Woman 1 waddled off in frustration, heading to the back of the
shop to have a munch of ham baguette, then returning to the situation. Clearly,
her boss did not train her. Or Woman 2, for that matter, as she appeared to be
more of a hindrance than a help. During these endless minutes, Mother continued
to tell me, in great detail, the solution for the 'broken programming
computer'; "unplug it".</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">A simple solution.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Tell her, darling!" Mother demanded of me,
"Tell the lady she needs to unplug it, leave it for three minutes and then
plug it back it again. Tell her it has a memory, go on!"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"> Mother points at the woman, as
if I were unsure who to give this message to. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I do pass this message on, however Woman 1 does not accept
these wise words. Instead, she insists on prodding away at the exact same
buttons that she's been bashing for the last 20 minutes. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">During these torturous moments, a mother with three <i>delightful,</i> screaming toddlers descend
into the store. Hooray. I love children, especially when they're screaming
their heads off. Just as I turn to Mother in order to suggest a swift exit, I
see Mother; bending over the pushchair, head INSIDE the pushchair, making
bizarre noises. The mother of these toddlers is staring at her, in shock.
However, the sounds of screaming and whining seem to have ceased. The Baby
Whisperer has succeeded. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Turning our attention back to Woman 1 (Woman 2 does not
return in this story. She gave up long ago. Very little interest in the job and
very high interest in her chocolate donut) ~ we see this persistent woman on
the phone to, presumably her boss. I tell Mother this.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Oh, great, do you think he's a man.....
excccuuuuuuuuuuuuse me!" Mother hollers at Woman 1, whilst she is on the
phone. She doesn't turn around.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Excuuuuuuse me!!" Mother turns to me and says;
"Darling, ask her if her boss is a man, quickly! He will know what to do
if it's a man."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"No. Just, no.
Let</span><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"> her do her job. Or at least try."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Five seconds later, Woman 1 is actually shouting at her
(presumably) boss down the phone, whilst we can hear another voice doing
similarly on the other end of the line. This terrifying exchange of harsh words
(I have learnt my fair share of Spanish swear words.... they were all used in
this conversation) escalated into a tearful smash-down of the phone by Woman 1.
Woman 2 makes a slight appearance to see what all the fuss was about and then
retreats to a second donut. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">At this point, the woman turns to me and rapidly spills out
something that translated to "well the machine isn't working so can I come
and do the copy at your house?"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I tell Mother this and Mother recoils in shock; </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Pardon?! Why on earth... What?! I don't see how that would be any better,
considering they need codes! How odd but certainly not! I do not accept
visitors at home without 48 hour prior notice! She'll have to do it here! Tell
her, sweetie, tell her that NO she may not come home with us!"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I mildly translate a decline back to Woman 1.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Woman 1 begins to cry a little. This is HORRENDOUS. I have
never seen such a mess of a situation. This is not rocket science but this poor
woman has no idea what to do.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Unfortunately, I then share these specific thoughts with Mother,
which encourages an idea...</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"OH MY GOD, darling, brilliant! Here, tell her I work
for NASA."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Sorry, what?" I am confused, of course.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Yes, tell this woman I work for NASA and I deal with
computers <i>all </i>day long."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Wait, why am I lying about your career path to this
stranger?"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Just tell her I work for <i>NASA, darling! </i>Then she will listen to me. Look, just get her
attention and then you can translate each thing I tell you to at the time,
okay?"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I didn't have a choice as Mother leans over the counter and
taps the woman on the shoulder. Her shaking body swings around. I translate
Mother's message:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"I work for NASA. I deal with computers like these all
the time, it is my job. I can see the problem. If you unplug the cable there,
see? Leave it 'off' for three minutes and this way the computer will forget
everything that was entered before. You can start fresh, see! Go on, try
it!"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">NASA-Engineer-Mother looks smugly as Woman 2 waddles over to
see what's going on. They do exactly as Mother says. Of course they do; this is
an official NASA Engineer, we're talking about here! </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Now - as bizarre as this may sound - the whole "turn it
off and on again" solution actually worked! Who would've thought it?! Only
a NASA engineer could have fixed this complex issue. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">The two women were as perplexed as they were grateful. I,
too, was grateful (mainly to leave but thank God Woman 1 didn't have a <i>full </i>mental breakdown). Mother's grin
was as wide as ever as she embraced the women (I'm not joking; she actually
dished out hugs...) and there were a lot of translated "thank-you-so-much's".
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Finally, we made it home. A billion years later, mind you. I
think I missed seven birthdays during this experience. Oh, by the way......</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">The key doesn't work.
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">xoxo</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934806416141374677.post-33095813801250130262017-07-21T07:23:00.000-07:002017-07-21T07:36:40.086-07:00Looking for a lost African lady<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">For those of you who haven't read the previous Italy post...
I strongly advise you do! It's alright, this one will still be here afterwards.
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">For those of you who <i>did
</i>read the previous post; welcome back! I'm sure you're all wondering what
happened to Mother's sausage-feet after disembarking from the plane. Well, I
imagine by now that you all regard me as the caretaker of Mother - an accurate
assumption indeed. Upon arriving at the baggage claim, I suggest that Mother
opens her suitcase and changes out of Ke$ha's shoes and into some appropriate,
tourist shoes. Anything would be better, really.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">"Okay darling. I don't remember what I packed
though...." Mother looks a little sheepish.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">"Right. Well, let's have a look" - I say, as
Mother releases the tight string encasing the swollen cankles - "Flip
flops might be a wise choice. Give your feet a bit of freedom. Where are
they?" </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">I am raiding her suitcase (sweeping aside the multiple kaftans and Hawaiian-print
sarongs).</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">Right. I have practically
emptied her suitcase on the floor now. Only two shoes are among the pile of
colourful clothing. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">"What are these, Mother?" I say, holding up a seemingly
brand new pair of Barbie-pink, suede heels with about 80 large pearls encrusted
all over the top. Fantastic.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">Mother pulls out her justifications; "Well, what on
earth did you think I was going to walk around in? I mean, we <i>are </i>in two of the most romantic cities,
darling! I highly doubt a handsome sailor will approach me if I'm in sloppy
flip-flops, will he?!" </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">We will have to go shopping. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">Upon arrival at our hotel in Venice, Mother begins her
ritual. She is completely incapable of giving up DIY and therefore the hotel
room suffers a bit of 'feng shui'. The window has been tied up, strategically,
with a plastic bag - so as to allow the correct amount of fresh air and city
noise in. Mother has also installed a fire alarm within approximately 4 minutes
of arriving. Interestingly, Mother also
'fixed' the kettle (by wedging a piece of paper in the lid to keep it down),
however Mother had less than zero interest in tea or coffee...</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">"Wine, darling!! Let's go and find somewhere to have
some wine!" </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">"Um - what about.... food?" I am concerned that
the concept of 'dinner' has flown out of the (strategically-sized-gap) window.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">After a good TripAdvisor hunt for a great pasta place,
Mother and I topple into a typical Italian bistro and are shown to our seat. Only to be re-seated to a
'better' table upon Mother's firm request, of course. Wine is instantly ordered
and arrives within seconds, to Mother's delight! Down it goes! ..... Oh. Oh,
dear. No it doesn't, actually. In fact, it nearly comes back up in a very
dramatic fashion.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><span lang="ES-TRAD">"OH!!!!
Oh, no! </span>No no no no no no no ..... darling, it's .... it's cold!"
Mother looks at her glass of wine as if it were poison. In fact, she can barely
hold it. She puts it down and clasps her hands together to reheat them. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">"Is it? It looks pretty normal to me..."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">Mother ignores me and calls over the (lovely) waiter, who
immediately asks what's wrong.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">"In England, darling, we don't drink cold wine.
Sweetie. Darling." Mother tries to be some form of 'nice' but it proves
difficult. You know, due to the shock of the 'cold wine'.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">"Oh really? Ah - ha! Here we have it in Italy this
temperature when it is the summer"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">"Mmmm." Mother, again, nods sympathetically.
"Yes. Well, I'm English actually..."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">Duh.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">Mother continues; "Is it possible, sweetie, to find a<i> warm</i> wine? Or... warm<i>er? </i>Please, darling? What's your
name?"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">Oh here we go. Mother establishes a very intense
relationship with every waiter in every restaurant/cafe/take away etc. This is
no exception. In fact, as we are in Italy, the effort Mother puts into
relationship-building is far stronger. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">Speaking of relationships and non-existent boundaries, I
must also tell you about our departure from Italy. Don't worry - I have vlogged
every day of the Italian trip on my <a href="http://youtube.com/charlotteelizabeth" target="_blank">YouTube channel</a>, so be sure to keep your
eyes on that. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">Regardless of the successful shoe-buying in Italy, Mother
still opted for her Ke$ha-cages as footwear for the flight home. I am not sure
why she doesn't remember the absolute fiasco on the outbound flight revolving
around these shoes but there we go. Another downfall of these ridiculous shoes is
that the tassel that ties up does not do a very good job of remaining tied (as
you may recall from the previous blog post) and therefore, during the short
security check, they untied themselves. I say 'short' security check... I mean
short for me. It is a lengthy process for Mother, who refuses to travel with
minimal jewellery. Instead, she prefers to be scanned by an airport security
guard as the alarm goes off. The people at security ask her to remove her
bangles but Mother insists they are 'stuck on forever'. So personal scanning is
inevitable. Mother is released, eventually, and slides over to me, signalling
to her untied tassels grazing the floor.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">"I need to re-tie these, hold on, darling" Mother
spins around in order to locate a seat to perch on.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">I too look but - as this is security at a rather small
airport - there is no seating available. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">"There'll be some through here, in Duty Free, come
on" I say, starting to move on.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">"No, wait, darling. I'll just sit here." </span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">Mother
signals to a large and in-charge black leather spinny-chair that has just this
second been vacated by the head security guard, as he carries his guns on his
hip. There is a very important machine by this chair and it is clearly
forbidden to be anywhere near it unless you are an authorized member of airport
security. This does not phase Mother (despite my best efforts to dissuade her)
and she immediately plonks down. I am on edge for the duration of the
shoe-lace-tying, hoping desperately not to be arrested. By contrast, Mother
reclines and spins around happily before eventually leaving the area.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">Now, we are waiting at the gate. Ready to board the plane.
Mother does her usual scan so as to locate who she would most like to be seated
next to. She selects approximately seven inappropriately-aged 'men'. The
boarding process seems to be taking quite a while (ie nobody is moving and we
are supposed to be taking off in 4 minutes...) As we are waiting, Mother sighs
in a majestic, know-it-all way and says;</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">"OH! I see why we're running late - we are waiting for
somebody! See, we're waiting for Ultimah Chumata, see? That name up on the
screen, flashing, darling? They're calling for her."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;">I look up and see the words "Ultima Chiamata".</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">"She must be African. Oh, poor lady! She's
going to miss this plane if she doesn't hurry up, I wonder where she
is...." Mother frantically looks around for this poor, late African woman."</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">There is no African lady, </span></span><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">speedily jogging towards the gate. In fact, she
doesn't exist, considering <i>Ultima
Chiamata </i>is Italian for 'Last Call'.</span></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">We finally board. Thank goodness, no more disasters.
Oh no... wait. I hear Mother behind me as we head onto the plane. She seems to
be huffing and puffing to someone.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"God! I was here first! NO, no - wait! I was here <i>first!!!"</i></span></span></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></span></span>
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Mother is cross. Her arms are flailed to the side in a bodyguard style so as not to allow this imbecile to jump the queue.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">As I turn around, I see who the imbecile is. Oh, it's the pilot. He is trying desperately to slide past Mother and into the cockpit. Thankfully, Mother had no neighbour-passenger on this flight.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">xoxo</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">P.S. Stay tuned to the <a href="http://youtube.com/charlotteelizabeth" target="_blank">YouTube channel</a> for videos of our
Italy trip! Teaser: Mother got extremely sloshed on our last afternoon and it
was rather amusing. </span></div>
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></span></span>
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></span></span>
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></span></span>
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></span></span>
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></span></span>
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></span></span>
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934806416141374677.post-58717060900155390422017-07-12T06:26:00.000-07:002017-07-12T06:26:45.938-07:00GLOBE TROTTING WITH TROTTER-FEET<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Hello wonderful friends around the world! Such a
globetrotter I do feel! Mother and I have just returned from ITALIA! Yes, the
land of gorgeous pasta, gorgeous pizza, gorgeous gelato and gorgeous... men!
Well, according to Mother - although I do agree with the first three gorgeous-es.
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">A 2pm flight means a relaxed morning, am I right, ladies and
gents? Uh, well no. Not when Mother is involved. The alarm rang aggressively at
7am (earlyyyyy!) in order to alert Mother to all the household safety precautions
that were necessary to set up before leaving. I used this extra morning time to
make green smoothies, which I'm sure you'll agree is the appropriate preparation
for a flight. Mother used this valuable time to stuff hangers into the window
blinds.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"What is that you're doing, dear?" I say, with
caution as I enter the kitchen (early-morning-Mother is not sensationally rational)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"What does it look like, darling?!" ..... (told
you) Mother replies, as she is perched on a stool.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Urm, well I couldn't really say... to be
honest...."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"I'm <i>obviously </i>using
these clothes hangers that I've sawn in half to wedge between the window and
the blinds so that nobody can break in!" Mother says, looking at me as if
I'm stupid.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Right. Of course. I see it now, yes. Indeed. Makes
sense. Sensible. Mhmm."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">As Mother dismounts the wooden stool, I offer to put it
back.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"I haven't finished yet!"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I glance at my watch; it is precisely the time that Mother
said we would be leaving. Yet, she has returned to the kitchen with a mop.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Oh.... what.... what's that for?" I am looking
for the spillage. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"I'll show you, sweetie!"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">As she says this, the mop is whipped up in the air and
Mother glides it between the handle of the window and wedges it into an alcove
of the wall.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"There, see! Now, if the burglar does manage to break
through the hanger-wedge, he won't be able to open the window anyway, you see,
darling? Mummy's very clever, isn't she?" Mother is a tad flushed but
evidently very pleased with herself.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I am concerned that Mother thinks we live in the ghetto. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">We are finally ready to leave the house. It is half past ten
in the morning and about 52 degrees centigrade. A 15 minute walk to the station
actually took 30 minutes due to Mother's choice in footwear. Again. For those
of you wondering, I am wearing a sports bra, running vest, jogging bottoms and
sneakers. Backpack, water bottle and suitcase in tow. Mother, in high contrast, is wearing a silk
dress (with a crossover flap that flies open during a breeze, exposing more than
we all bargained for) and... oh, no, not the famous diamante pumps this time!
Instead, Mother has beige, suede heels with a very long tassel that ties up
from her ankles to her calves. Much frill. Much tassel. She is channeling some
strong Coachella vibes. So, this explains the time it takes to reach the
station; as we had to stop every 7 minutes in order to re-tie her tassels (they
were untying themselves in an attempted escape perhaps). </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Eventually, we arrive at the airport (in just enough time)
and navigated to the correct terminal (a slight rigmarole) and arrived at the
gate. Judgy-Judgersons (us) were in full swing as we (not-so-quietly) discussed
the family in front of us. A family of four; two little boys and their parents,
dressed immaculately. I immediately spot
the mother's Louis Vuitton handbag, Levi jeans, Prada sunglasses and a new
Burberry purchase (looking at her grand shopping bag over her shoulder). The
children have slicked back hair, brand new Nike's and Porsche polo shirts.
HOWEVER, they are not obnoxious fancy-pants. Actually, they look very
approachable and the mother is talking quietly in Italian to the boys. Mother
and I stand discussing the beauty of Italian fashion and ... "oh, her hair
is so lovely!" .... etc. We stop instantly when the father spins around
and tells us, in a <i>very</i> English
accent, that we are going to board now. Oh. Whoops. It could have been <i>so</i> much worse!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Right. On the plane! I whip out my spelt crackers and sesame
snacks (wow I'm so annoying) and settle down with my podcast and neck pillow.
I'm very anti-social on flights, usually - as you may remember. Mother, on the
other hand, is very excited to find out who will sit next to her.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Ooooh, darling! Do you think it will be him, he looks
like he's travelling alone, doesn't he, sweetie?"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Oh, what about him? He's a little bit old but he looks
like he might own a yacht,
darling!"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"OH! GOODNESS ME! I hope it's him, I hope it's
him!" (Mother is pointing at a 16 year old Italian boy, boarding the plane
with the rest of his class as the teacher follows behind).</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Alas, no bachelor is seated next to Mother. What a shame.
Instead, however, is a lovely lady from America with her three children (two
boys and a girl ranging from about 10-21 years old). She is apologising profusely
for bringing McDonalds onto the plane, assuring us that this is a very unusual
meal for them, despite being American! </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Anyway, Mother - of course - engages "friendship"
mode and for the rest of the flight they got along like a house on fire.
Nattering and showing each other pictures of their respective children....
which I found most odd, considering we were literally all there, sitting within
three metres of each other but anyway. I
even engaged a little 'socialising' with one of the older children, discussing
high school and university, which was a rather exotic experience for me and my
neck pillow (it ceased fairly soon after we took off as he fell asleep and I returned
to my crackers and tomato juice).</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">2 hours later, we land. We are all trying to collect our
hand luggage and may I just say what an absolute nightmare this process is. It
always has been. Everyone stands up as we pull into the little 'parking spot'
for the plane as if the first person to stand up is the first person off the
plane. Idiots. You can hear everyone's mobile phone switching on and messages
zooming in (before we're officially allowed to even turn our phones on WHAT ARE
YOU DOING, PEOPLE?). At this point, three people on each row simultaneously
struggle and fight to whip their elephant-weighted luggage from the cabin part...
above everyone's head. Upon successfully squeezing it out, they then have
nowhere to put it. Nowhere to even turn around due to the other six people
surrounding them tightly. Everyone is now standing, holding their luggage above
their heads like morons, waiting for the doors to open (which is never within
fifteen minutes). I, however, remain seated. I <i>really</i> do not mind being the last one off the plane. What is the
rush?! </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Anyway - I sidetrack. Whilst everyone is fanning about,
Mother and her new bestie are exchanging multiple contact details (business
cards, twitter handles, emails, addresses, twelve phone numbers etc) and are
still chatting as the new BFF's children and I glide down the aisle and off the
plane. We are about to say our goodbyes and separate when we look back to our
mothers. My mother is not able to glide down the aisle quite so swiftly as her
nimble daughter. Instead, she is unsteadily <i>sliding.
Dragging.</i> She gives me a worried glance. It seems as though her weight has
trippled during the flight, as she seems unable to carry herself (or it might
have been the gin and tonic she had....). Oh no, I see it now. As I glance
downwards, towards Mothers feet, I see the problem. Mother's feet have swollen
to the size of baby hippopotamuses. Her trotters have, in fact, trippled in size.
They are trying <i>desperatel</i>y to escape
the confines of the tassels wrapped ever so tightly around her ankles. The
purple pastry puffs have indeed risen within these utterly unsuitable shoes.
Mother has managed to restrict all blood flow to her feet by dressing like
Ke$ha at Glastonbury and her bff and I have to help her and her hippo-feet off
the plane. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgP5iDrJTwqQByJAcxoNM4yGelQRhL-JHJzGm7rmnMsQsJsGwfkg-_LwfRmYrF0Sc34F8KIe_stHwKnDJ2Uo8W_urnJptWXMtuBtElP_rvvXBUfjByk3G_ysR0xe_XX3t3FjoDWhPjmse8g/s1600/20170712_150307+222.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1368" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgP5iDrJTwqQByJAcxoNM4yGelQRhL-JHJzGm7rmnMsQsJsGwfkg-_LwfRmYrF0Sc34F8KIe_stHwKnDJ2Uo8W_urnJptWXMtuBtElP_rvvXBUfjByk3G_ysR0xe_XX3t3FjoDWhPjmse8g/s400/20170712_150307+222.jpg" width="341" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Suitable shoes...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">More Italian anecdotes coming soon, stay tuned! </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">xoxo</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934806416141374677.post-18175225367411247572017-05-25T06:03:00.000-07:002017-05-25T06:03:00.808-07:00I'm in rehab.<div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Ok, so you may be shocked to hear - but yes, I'm in rehab. I
should clarify, however, that 'rehab' does not only treat drug and alcohol
related problems here in Spain. It also treats physiological problems - which
is the reason I have been admitted. Upon being "sentenced to 5 weeks of rehab",
Mother soared to the floor in horror; disgraced with her sudden alcoholic
daughter. I had to explain to her that it was for my neck injury instead, which
took a good 15 minutes. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">My first appointment goes smoothly; just an initiation with
my doctor, Francisco. Oh - how fortunate; he is 30-something and strikingly
good looking (according to Mother), with the typical 'tall, dark and handsome'
traits. Mother insists on asking numerous, insignificant questions about
anything at all (I am translator again... yay) and finds it quite the struggle
when his assistant nurse tries to usher her out before his next appointment. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"I don't like to be rushed!" Mother quips. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">My next appointment, a few weeks later, is to begin the
therapy. As we arrive, I register at the desk (which takes around 3 hours as
the <i>wonderful</i> Spanish female
receptionists are not exactly the most efficient, swift workers I know). I am
then told to wait in the waiting room with the others. Mother is still here
beside me for moral support upon my first visit, dressed as if she were
attending a royal garden party (sunglasses still on and the diamante pumps
making yet another outing). </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Where is he, darling?" Mother asks.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Where is who?"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"<i>Francisco</i>,
sweetie! Obviously!" Mother looks around, urgently. She also gets off her
chair and saunters down the corridor, nonchalantly, peering into the offices!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I urge her to sit back down and she does, reluctantly.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Five minutes later, my female therapist appears with her
clipboard and calls out a few names, including mine. She then proceeds to
explain the process for today's session and asks us to follow her. I am quickly
translating the information for Mother - as she is demanding to know what is
happening. I reiterate what my therapist told us; that we would have some kind
of electrotherapy thing and then go into the gym for physiotherapy exercise. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Ooooh! Fantastic, a gym! So it's like a retreat, marvellous!
I wonder where the swimming pool is, I didn't see one outside. Perhaps they
only have an indoor pool..." Mother is now very excited about rehab.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Mother is edging forward with me and our small group as the
therapist looks at her with suspicion. I presume it is because we, the
patients, are all dressed in gym gear. Mother is evidently dressed quite the
opposite. Then someone says something and the therapist explains that Mother
cannot come further than this door we are hovering at because it's 'treatment
time' (and of course we are not allowed 'observers' etc during the process). I
steadily translate this to Mother and she does not take it very well. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Why?" She asks, with an aggressive confidence.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Que?" The therapist asks.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I see I am going to have to be the translator again.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Mother is not accepting any of the very reasonable
explanations.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"I am her <i>Mother</i>!"
Seems to be her only counter-argument. It does not do well in altering the
rules of the rehab centre, funnily enough. So Mother withdraws her glare and
spins around.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Right at this moment, Francisco appears from around the
corner and Mother finds herself a few centimetres from his presumably toned
torso.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Ah! Francisco! <i>Hola</i>,
darling! I am going to have to wait for
Charlotte-Elizabeth whilst she has her therapy, that's right isn't it? So -
where is the spa?"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Uhh.... sorry, what, Madam?" Francisco, bless
him, is struggling to understand Mother. Not only due to the language, mind
you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"The spa, darling? Can you tell me where it is? So I
can relax by the pool with a magazine. Do they serve cava there? Ooooh, are the
magazines all in Spanish or do you have 'Hello' magazines? I usually read 'The
Lady', actually....." Mother trails off as she sees Francisco's confused
expression not changing in the slightest.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I smile apologetically at Francisco and tell him not to
worry; I will explain the reality of this situation to her.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Mother, this is not a spa. This is a rehab centre. I
am not an A-list celebrity overcoming drug addiction. There are no detox juices
or masseurs. This is a hospital. I suggest you wait outside on a bench. <i>Please</i> try to stay outside, okay?
Francisco is definitely busy, he won't have time to join you either." I say,
a little stressed that my fellow physio group have already been ushered through
and I am stuck here bringing my deluded Mother back down to earth. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Mother shuffles off, a little disgruntled. Eventually I
catch up to my group and I begin my therapy session. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">One hour later, I emerge from the centre to find a lady of
leisure spread out, legs up, on a bench in the sun. It is Mother; her posh
summer dress has been hiked up above her knees - for more efficient tanning
purposes. She has obtained a straw hat from somewhere, which is perched on her
head. Beneath which are her sunglasses <i>over
the top </i>of her reading glasses. She has a book in one hand and an ice cream
in the other. It looks as though she is a resident at a top spa in Hampshire,
if it weren't for the cement-churning lorry behind her. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">xoxo</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimh3UCIXEf1UOw2B988LnbeVfLRJFQ9lmwU8NolyXe4k_EvFqyBeORAH1v88IjUCKVj-lWvzByXgz1HbxJvWtOcVCNfj7qVHsR5XxqA_nM1aHaupvGVXXtee-EP75tyE9GCcWgQj5Sth_n/s1600/IMG_0487.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1170" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimh3UCIXEf1UOw2B988LnbeVfLRJFQ9lmwU8NolyXe4k_EvFqyBeORAH1v88IjUCKVj-lWvzByXgz1HbxJvWtOcVCNfj7qVHsR5XxqA_nM1aHaupvGVXXtee-EP75tyE9GCcWgQj5Sth_n/s320/IMG_0487.JPG" width="233" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ready for the luxury spa.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934806416141374677.post-68163033432258539832017-04-21T05:09:00.002-07:002017-04-21T05:09:36.785-07:00"ASK HER TO GET RID OF THE TRAMP, DARLING!"<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Hello dear reader! How I have missed writing these blog
posts, I am truly sorry that it has been too long since posting. I could ramble
on about how busy I've been (albeit very true) but I shan't, because you are
not here to read about excuses. You are here to read about how I've been coping
with Mother. Perhaps you are here to see if her behaviour has improved. I can
put you out of your questioning immediately and tell you that; no, she has not
changed at all. She remains a child trapped in a Mother's body and is
consistently a high demand on my time.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Last week, Mother and I took ourselves out for a lovely
dinner (I had some days off work and treated her to a meal). As you all know,
we are certainly not fans of Spanish food, so I chose somewhere we had been
once before a long time ago that is a blend of Mediterranean cuisine. Upon
entering the restaurant, we were greeted by the lovely Hungarian girl I had
reserved a table with and shown to a little table for two. Oh, I had to reserve
a table not because it was busy but because Mother wanted to request a specific
table "not too close to the door and not too close to the kitchen please
and thank you". So, having been
shown to our table, we hear a shriek of laughter coming from a table behind me.
As it turns out, there is a mild party of 6 travellers. From Ireland. Speaking
in English. A rush of fear floods over
my body as I turn to see Mother's face; it is her "FURIOUS" face. Jaw
clenched, eyes bulging, brow furrowed so strongly that I think her face might
actually break. Her nostrils, too, are flared so wide they are like little
volcanic craters. In fact, she resembles a volcano. A very active volcano.
Ready to erupt.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Mother is furious that there may be another diner in her
vicinity from the British Isles. This never sits well with her; she doesn't
like "Brits" - as she calls them. Anyway, I admit, their voices are
rather shrill and they are quite possibly disturbing another table of 2, quiet
and demure diners next to us. Mother decides that the young girl of this couple
next to us is indeed terribly bothered by the Irish hooligans and makes it her
duty to catch her eye, in order to signal that; "yes, I too am bothered by
these ignorant idiots, I agree - we should not put up with this should we? I am
glad you are on my team." So, eventually the young girl glances over,
smiles gently, which surprisingly satisfies Mother enough to stop staring at
her. I try to distract Mother from her inner raging by quietly discussing the
nice couple; "Oh look, he is wearing a nice watch... and his shoes, look
Mother, his shoes are nice, aren't they?" etc etc ... Mother decides he is
most definitely American as he is very tall.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">As my attempts of distraction last approximately 30 seconds,
the roaring from the Irish behind me increases in frequency and volume.
Suddenly, one of the buffoons says;</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"> "Aw, Stacey I gotta tell ye, this squid
is f**king FANTASTIC, get it down ye!"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Oh dear. Mother jolts so far in her chair as if a giant gust
of wind has thrust her back. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"OH MY GOD, DARLING! DID YOU <i>HEAR</i> THAT?! He swore! This is outrageous, I cannot believe it! Only
the bloody Brits would behave so abhorrently, darling!"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Jesus f**kin' Christ, Mick! Ye right it's cracking!
Eh, take some of dat bread there, pal but save some for the rest of us ye'
f**kin pig, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" - Stacey responds.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Mother blinks back her tears. Her lips are pursed so tight
that a sip of wine would not even pass them.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Speaking of wine, Greta (we shall call her Greta, the
Hungarian waitress), comes over - ready to take our order. Only Greta does not
realise, at this point, that Mother is not a normal client. Greta does not
speak good English and therefore I am employed as the translator, once again.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Tell the lovely girl that I cannot eat whilst those
absolute hogs are sitting there with the big fat mouths. Tell her we are going
to have a drink and wait until they leave. I simply cannot eat food with those
disgraceful animals in my view. Ask her how long they are going to be, darling."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I translate. Vaguely. Greta seemed to understand the majority
of Mothers complaining due to her finger jabbing towards the table behind me
and facial expressions.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Mother then conducts her own observational psychology study
of the couple next to us. I have already determined that they are speaking
English but managed to convince Mother that they are probably not from Britain.
Mother proceeds into a process of not-discreetly leaning into the couple to
listen; glancing over several times with beady eyes and then leaning into me to tell me exactly
what her observational skills have uncovered. Not a lot apparently; simply that
they have ordered some potatoes (I could see that myself) and that they too are
GREATLY offended by the Irish party behind. I do not ask how she knows this.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Greta brings over the wine and is extremely accommodating of
Mother's wish to wait until the Irish leave. Personally, I am starving. I have
scanned the menu three times and then studied it intensely four times. I know
what I'm having. I want all of it, I am that hungry. I am feeling woozy, having
drunk all my wine on an empty stomach. Mother orders more wine.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">At every moment I look at Mother, I see her glaring at the
party of 6. I ask her if it's wise to death stare the drunk Irish hooligans, as
I'm sure they wouldn't be scared to start a fight. She ignores me;</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"They must be TOLD how to BEHAVE! This is UNACCEPTABLE
behaviour. <i>Look at them, darling</i>! They are eating like PIGS, they need to be
eating soap, their language is foul, I can't bear it."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Greta walks by again and Mother calls her over, in order to
get across the message that she is still waiting for the Irish to leave. I am
fully aware that this is a technique in the hopes that Greta will magically
remove them from the restaurant. Of course, Greta smiles apologetically and
tells us it's totally fine we can stay as long as we like. My stomach growls in
reply.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Mother sees my face; </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"I know you're hungry, darling
- but do you<i> honestly </i>expect me to dine with THOSE?! I am not an animal. I am
not used to this. I dine from <i>Prince
Albert china</i> and I was really born to dine with royalty at the palace. This
is <i>so</i> far removed from my lifestyle,
darling. I am so offended. <i>Revolted.</i>"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Oh my GOD. You will not<i> believe </i>what I have just seen. I am almost too embarrassed to tell
you. That <i>TART</i> of a woman has
actually left the table, walked over to the waitress with her empty wine glass
and demanded that she refill her<i> glass</i>!
I am going to be sick. I can feel it. This is horrendous."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Greta walks by again a moment later and Mother mouths
"sorry!". </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Mother means "sorry for those ignorant British
morons" but Greta probably understood it as "sorry for sitting here
for over an hour without ordering food, I know it's nearly half past 10."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">OLIVES!! Greta has bought some OLIVES! Hallelujah! I
literally pour them into my mouth.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">A 6-person roar
vibrates from the table behind and Mother's over-reaction nearly causes her to
fall off her chair and fly back through the window. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"F**KING HELL DEIRDRE! Hahahahahahahaha ye stupid sh*t!
Ye spilled some good wine there, ye silly b*tch! Eh, WAITRESS WE NEED ANOTHER
BOTTLE POR FAVOR!!!"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Mother instructs me to "call the waitress over again, darling.
Try to ask her to throw them out."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I didn't. Obviously.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">The loud party remains loud for the next few minutes and
Mother's rage is showing violently in her face.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Darling. Seriously, if they don't stop and leave I am
going to be very <i>ill</i>! Oh God...
they're going to start off my menopause, darling! I'm having a hot flush and a
hot flash, darling! <i>Look at me!</i> They
are affecting my hormones!!!"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">One of the men stands up to wipe the wine from his Bermuda
shorts.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Good LORD, look at what he is wearing in a <i>restaurant</i>!?"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I must add here that all of Mother's comments are not
discreet and whispered. Rather, they are purposefully loud as each comment is
thrown in a direct line of fire from Mother's mouth onto the table behind me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Eventually, they order pudding. I sigh of relief and suggest
we order our food, as it is nearly 11pm. I am sure I have lost 3 stone just
sitting here.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I have spoken too soon. A party of three have walked in just
as I make this suggestion. To my luck, one of the group happens to be Irish and
Mother notes that he may well be homeless, due to his clothing choices and
long, shaggy hair. Like a magnet, he is pulled towards the party of 6. They
exchange loud tales of where in Ireland everyone is from and what they are
doing here. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Oh my GOD. He cannot come in here! This is a
restaurant. He looks like a TRAMP! Look at his trampy-ness! This is preposterous!
" Mother exclaims.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">She says the word "tramp" far too loudly.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"He cannot come in here..... just look - OH MY GOD NO! He's taking their leftovers!
He's actually eating their leftovers!!!"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">After Greta whips away the leftovers, the party of 6 depart.
Slowly. With many goodbyes. It would seem they were all too drunk to notice
Mother's comments throughout their dining experience. Nobody made any kind of
remark to Mother upon leaving. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I am SO RELIEVED. I immediately call Greta over and order
literally everything. It is 11:00pm. In fact, I am hungry just writing this;
remembering the pure suffering and famine I was put through that evening.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Mother's face went from red to mellow-peach as soon as the
Irish left the premises and their
wailing and hollering could no longer be heard as they turned the corner of the
street. Mother looks satisfied with herself for some reason and says;</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"See. Isn't this better. I can hear the music. I am
ready to eat. What shall we have, darling?"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I told her I had ordered the food already but she'd be lucky
if she were able to get a fork into any of it, for I will demolish it all
rather quickly.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">We did, in fact, end up having a nice evening - as the Catalonians
eat their dinner from 10pm onwards, so we were accompanied by several nice
groups of people. I remain British, however, when it comes to times of eating.
I cannot adapt to the 11pm dinners. Evidently.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Right, I am off to find a plethora of snacks, as I am now
very hungry. Thank you for reading, my dear friends. I will try to keep writing
as often as possible - as you know there is always something to write about!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">xoxo</span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934806416141374677.post-69403897620193686202017-01-15T13:38:00.001-08:002017-01-15T13:38:52.652-08:00In which we almost found Mother a husband<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Having started a job
that takes up quite a lot of my time, I find that Mother must occupy herself at
certain times during the week. On a recent occasion, I had instructed Mother to
shut down her computer and cease working at a normal hour whilst I was at my
job. Believe it or not, I succeeded and - upon leaving my shift this particular
evening - I received a text that read:</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Hello darling, I
am having a <i>lovely </i><span> </span>evening and I shall be having a glass of wine
at the bar opposite the marina if you'd like to join me?"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Interesting.
"Lovely evening". I am not used to such messages. Spending 3 years
living in what might be described as a garbage disposal, I frequently received
text messages such as:</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"HELP! I am in
the shopping mall .... <i>what </i>a
mistake! I have <i>got</i> to get out of
here! Full of fat, red-faced, Northern slobs."</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>So, as you can
imagine, the positive message this time was a pleasant surprise. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Leaving work, I made
my way to the bar. The sun had set and I could see only a silhouette of a woman
sitting outside. It could only be Mother; outside in the freezing temperatures
of January. Determined to "be outside and at one with the ocean". </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>I greet Mother. She
gives a forced smile and nods ungracefully at her glass of wine in her hand.
Ah, she does not like it. We have found another wine that has not quite reached
Mother's standards of vineyard productions. She also waves her finger in the
air, indicating to the music coming from the speakers. Ah, she does not like
this either. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Listen. Listen
to this! Honestly, darling, five minutes ago it was a delight! They were
playing fab British music. I was very happy singing along to Justin Timberlake
but all of a sudden<span> </span>that arrogant owner
changed it all to this Spanish romping music! Listen to this rubbish! I mean,
it's all the bloody same isn't it? <span> </span>Uno,
dos, tres and all that! I should have been a DJ. They could have employed me to
do the music. I would have done a much better job. Come on, this isn't 'me'
anymore, darling."</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>With that, we leave
this bar and head towards a more 'classy' scene closer to home. May I suggest that
you bear in mind I had just finished working with noisy, hyper-active 8 year
olds and certainly would have preferred <b><i>not</i></b> to go on a bar crawl. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>As soon as we push
open the heavy, wooden double doors to the 'classy' bar, Mother spins around
dramatically and says; </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Aha! Much more
'me' darling, don't you see? Of course you do. This is much more upper-class -
look at everyone, darling."</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>We take a seat and
order drinks. You won't believe me but Mother entrusted her waitress to choose
the brand of whiskey she should have (?!). Very comfortable indeed, apparently.
<span> </span>Whilst waiting for our drinks, Mother
gushes over how much more suited she is to a place like this, full of potential
aristocrats. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>About an hour later,
we are in deep conversation when a man approaches us. I look up to see a little
old man, hands grasped to the back of an armchair, leaning over to speak to
Mother. I quietly observe the situation - letting the gentleman ramble
something to Mother in Spanish whilst Mother looks back and forth from me to
him, utterly perplexed. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>I realise that the
point has come where I must intervene. I bend his attention around to me, with
difficulty, so that I am able to explain that Mother (still) knows zero
Spanish. She doesn't have a clue what you've said. Sadly I have instantly
volunteered myself to be the translator, <i>again</i>.
</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Ah - this is
your Mother?" The gentleman says in Spanish.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Yes."</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"So
beautiful."</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Yes."</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"What is her
name?"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Mother - do you
want me to tell this man your name?"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Uhhh... what?
Uhhh.... <i>Hola</i>! I am <i>Stephanie</i>!" Mother juts her hand
out urgently towards the gentleman's protruding stomach and the gentleman takes
it and kisses it.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>For God's sake I am
stuck in between a potential flirting situation. Mortifying. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Does she have a
partner? Is she married? Boyfriend?" The man asks me.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Do you want me
to tell him your relationship status?"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Uhhhhmmmmmmm.........................
ye-- ..... I don't .... ok....?"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"She doesn't have
a partner." I bleakly reply to the man.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Oh! A beautiful
lady like her, no partner? Can I take her to dance?"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Jesus.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"He wants to take
you out dancing. What shall I tell him?"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Oh! Haha!"
Mother awkwardly laughs and pretends to be flattered (note: she is revolted, I
can tell). "Ha, uhmmm, well ..... I mean ..... when?"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"When?" I reply
to the gentleman.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Saturday night!
Here, at this bar! We can dance together" The man demonstrates a feeble
and swift jig of his hips.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>I try to keep a
straight face.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"He says here.
Saturday night."</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"OH NO I can't
Saturday night what a shame!" Mother is a fabulous actress.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Oh no, she can't
Saturday night. Shame." I translate back to him.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Ah okay well
.... maybe I can take her for lunch one day?" Bless him, he is punching
way above his weight.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>I continue the
translation duty.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Mother reaches in her
purse and pulls out her business card.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Tell him to send
me a message.... it is easier. Tell him I'm a very busy person. Texting is
better?"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Right, maybe
send her a text?" I suggest to Jose.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><i><span>N.B. I do not know (remember) his name but it's
probably going to be Jose. Safe assumption.</span></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Does she have
WhatsApp?"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Yes, she does.
Ok.... see you later! Good evening...!" I make an attempt to end this
encounter.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>He does not want to
leave just yet. Although - awkwardly - he cannot conjure up another topic of
discussion, so he is just standing there, with his arms resting on the chair,
staring at Mother wistfully. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>This is creepy. He is
a grandpa. As we all know; Mother hunts for the prey of 20-30 year olds. Grandpa
has not caught his prey tonight. Bless him, silly man.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Eventually he starts
leaving. At this point, Mother becomes more enthusiastic; smiling greater and
waving more aggressively. She believes that this translates to;</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"THIS IS ME
FEELING ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT YOU LEAVING, YAY!"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>When actually it is
received as;</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"THIS IS ME
FEELING ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT YOU'RE DATE PROPOSALS, YAY!"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>I know this because
for the last two weeks Mother has been inundated with missed calls and text
messages from Grandpa. He is very excited to take her out dancing. She is very
insistent that <i>I </i>create a polite 'decline'
message. Of which I shall indeed do. Of course. Soon. I promise. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>xoxo</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934806416141374677.post-4910206809425836082016-11-09T03:50:00.005-08:002017-01-18T03:01:54.805-08:00An uncooperative patient<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">It is three minutes to
8 in the evening and I have just returned from an eventful visit to the doctor.
Mother's doctor. Yet again, I played the ever-important role of the translator
(Mother's ability in Spanish still only extends to a small variety of fruit). </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">Over the last three
days it has become ridiculously cold here. So, wrapped up suitably, we walk to
the clinic. This clinic was the final choice. The winner, if you will, from
10 other clinics in town that were not up
to Mother's standards after spending an afternoon interviewing the
receptionists of each one. So, here we are at <i>the</i> clinic. Mother no longer attempts to communicate and instead
just points at me. We register and are directed downstairs to the Optician
department.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"Downstairs? What
- in the basement?!" Mother expresses her worries quite freely.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">I usher her into the
elevator. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">We are in the waiting
room for a few minutes before Mother inhales and dramatically rises her wrist
to see her watch.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"Three minutes
past. Three minutes late! I'm paying for this service, you know. And if you
think I'm waiting for all this lot to go before me, you've got another thing
coming! I shall be writing to the CEO of Catalonian health service and
complaining! We can't be having ---"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">At this moment, a tall
lanky man comes into the waiting room and calls out Mother's name.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">Upon entering, Mother
directs me (with her pointy finger) to communicate the fact that she is unable
to learn any Spanish at all and will not be able to understand anything and
will be relying on me, yet again, to translate all the medical jargon.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"Tell the man ---
wait, ask him what his name is first --- and then tell the man I've got three
problems. The first one is that a mosquito attacked me last week and I was left
with a very damaged eye. There's probably something really wrong with it. It
bit my eyebrow! It was all inflamed --- tell him, darling. Tell the doctor
while I'm telling you --- go on --- and the second problem is that my left eye
is in SO MUCH pain every June and July and I don't know why but it streams and
STREAMS and I can't bear it! Tell him --- have you told him, darling?! That's
the most important thing, make sure you tell him! Now, the third problem is my
eyes in <i>general, </i>darling. They're
deteriorating. There's probably something seriously wrong with them. I might be
going blind. Things are getting worse every day. You remember me telling you
all about it this morning, don't you darling? Well - tell the doctor."</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">I attempt to relay the
first issue to the doctor and just as I finish briefing him, he spins around
and talks to Mother in Spanish.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"Wait! No - no!
Wait, there's more. You didn't tell him all THREE, did you?" Mother is
leaning around Dr to speak to me; "Excuse me, Dr, there are MORE PROBLEMS.
<i>More.</i>"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">The doctor has pulled
out those scary glasses Opticians have that hold multiple, interchangeable
lenses. He proceeds to place them onto Mother's nose.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"OUCH!!!! No!!! I
don't need these bloody glasses! I know how far I can see! OUCH! They're
hurting, darling! Tell the man!! They're squashing my nose! Nope..."
Mother takes them straight off, much to Dr's astonishment.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">I relay Mother's
message. Mildly. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">Dr places them back
on. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"OWWwWwww.....
God, they don't fit me properly! They haven't been adjusted especially for me.
This is bloody useless - we'll be leaving in a minute! If he doesn't listen to
my other health problems, we'll be walking out, darling!"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWzVqndDFkOcFydyZX5FoWTgue2V7tu3SJjC8aLP4O7GfTXm1QItUF4FN2AgW6dqPZmiWtRPjDvexcnpH_js7YQ3A5LJwU11eqddVyz7s5qlzmLvp-2aZ_-tjwmFm6YbK7-KE-bgROtxTs/s1600/eyetestDM2908_468x466.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="318" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWzVqndDFkOcFydyZX5FoWTgue2V7tu3SJjC8aLP4O7GfTXm1QItUF4FN2AgW6dqPZmiWtRPjDvexcnpH_js7YQ3A5LJwU11eqddVyz7s5qlzmLvp-2aZ_-tjwmFm6YbK7-KE-bgROtxTs/s320/eyetestDM2908_468x466.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">The Dr asks me to ask
Mother to read the letters appearing on the wall and Mother does surprisingly
well.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">Dr then removes the glasses
and I manage to slip in the details of the other two eye problems. He and I
then discuss further between ourselves whilst Mother's head is poking around
the side of the equipment trying to understand the conversation.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"Tell him I want
a photograph of my eye!"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">I do. He tells me she
doesn't need one.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"YES I DO! I am
not paying for this kind of service! I AM THE CUSTOMER! I am right!"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">I ignore her and
translate the doctor's instructions to place her head on a part of the
apparatus.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"DO. NOT. MOVE. QUIET.
QUIET. DO. NOT. MOVE. QUIET. QUIET."</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">Ah. So the doctor
speaks English. Perfect.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>I don't know why Spanish people do this - but I
am assuming it is a cheap thrill; watching a foreigner aggressively rant away,
thinking they cannot be understood. </i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">Anyway. I don't think
Mother recognises the fact that he speaks English because she continues
mumbling at me whilst the doctor examines her eyes.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"I won't be
coming back to this one, you know. I don't like it. This is nonsense. Look at
all this equipment. It's ANTIQUATED! Darling, this won't do. This is old! Oh my
God... I put my head on that thing... he didn't even clean it! Ask him if he
sanitised it!!"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">I do not.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">Dr grabs some eye
drops and gushes them into Mother's eyes before I could finish blinking.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">He does provide some
sort of explanation for her 'problems', which I translate as best as I can ---
although bear in mind that 60% of the words he used were medical jargon, in
which I am not fluent. Either in English or Spanish. I do, however, pick up the
fact that he thinks Mother's 'June / July allergy problem' is nothing to worry
about if it's only happening for two months of the year. This infuriates Mother
more than I anticipated.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"IT IS SOMETHING
TO WORRY ABOUT BECAUSE <b><i>I </i></b>AM WORRIED ABOUT IT OH MY GOD!" </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">I reassure Mother that
everything else is fine and there's nothing to worry about. This is not the
answer she wanted, apparently.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"Nope. No. Tell
him he is WRONG. Wrong-o. Not right." Mother shakes her head and wags her
finger dramatically. "He is not right! I know my EYES! I don't need to
know about what bloody glasses to wear! He is not qualified - is he? Ask him
what qualifications he has because he certainly has not fixed my problems!!!
This is an outrage. I will be talking to that lady upstairs and complaining.
Just you wait and see."</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">The doctor looks at
me, confused. I make up something short and also start up a conversation about
something totally irrelevant to diffuse the awkward situation.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">I am successful in the
diffusion and we leave on quite good terms. Shaking hands etc. It turns out
that the doctor does not really speak English very well. Only those few choice
words. Probably a blessing. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">Arriving upstairs,
back at the reception, Mother took it upon herself to loudly educate the clinic
in their employment of a useless doctor. The staffs' apologies earned
themselves very little with Mother - as she insisted to be re-assigned to a
different doctor. This was done in a matter of seconds, actually, as Mother was
invited to speak with a very jolly 'Jose' (oh hey, what an unusual name) - who
happened to be wearing a flamboyant cravat. Naturally, they got on supremely
well (despite the language barrier) and they nearly cheek-kissed when saying
goodbye. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">Mother has instructed
the receptionists to allocate Jose as her personal doctor for all future appointments,
regardless of the appropriate medical category. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">xoxo</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934806416141374677.post-86475162047791797462016-10-18T07:45:00.002-07:002016-10-18T07:46:25.725-07:00Sunday runs with Mother: Ep.1<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">My friend has just started 'couch to 5k' - which is apparently an attempt by the NHS to get people moving as we approach the hibernation season. An interval training approach to fitness.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Having told Mother of my friend's new goal, she has decided to join in. Although Mother prefers her version; "Sofa to 1k". </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">I intend to force Mother to stick to this activity every Sunday - partially so that I can document any mishaps. You may think a light Sunday exercise should not create a blog-worthy post - but you are wrong. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">As I approach Mother's bedroom to collect her, I see this:</span></span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-XbM4rD0o15DeEEgdTh4brtTQychhBYbjN-cx4XygWcj5RKAyoLd-Ux1U3HymteS6H2jca0-1Y4Fl9e6GoVcTZzg8vLhMn8VHpG19IJmXXBqXB-tKbU4NP9oO8EnEIPNh-KuT5XQBWEJs/s1600/20161016_184859.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-XbM4rD0o15DeEEgdTh4brtTQychhBYbjN-cx4XygWcj5RKAyoLd-Ux1U3HymteS6H2jca0-1Y4Fl9e6GoVcTZzg8vLhMn8VHpG19IJmXXBqXB-tKbU4NP9oO8EnEIPNh-KuT5XQBWEJs/s400/20161016_184859.jpg" width="297" /></a></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPvUApSXViRXcKfCQE7oKqyn6yroGJBlvjjuyVmQUS848OY1XI-SfsYjgu7eF0D0Spc8NzjujdPNfly7F65V9mfGoO7SdvZ_lrtS1q9CICpWAIeEcOiHf6aE0JXCX-y3JPvNQ7Epc6ThU8/s1600/20161016_184748.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPvUApSXViRXcKfCQE7oKqyn6yroGJBlvjjuyVmQUS848OY1XI-SfsYjgu7eF0D0Spc8NzjujdPNfly7F65V9mfGoO7SdvZ_lrtS1q9CICpWAIeEcOiHf6aE0JXCX-y3JPvNQ7Epc6ThU8/s400/20161016_184748.jpg" width="300" /></a><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"> </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">That is indeed Mother in <b>my </b>Halloween costume. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">She informs me that she actually has no "running gear". Apparently my Grease Pink Ladies jacket was a suitable substitution. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">We all look forward to the next one. xoxo</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">P.S. I demanded the jacket back before the running commenced. By 'running' I mean 'light prance for 1 minute and then a lengthy break on a bench'. </span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934806416141374677.post-84118328867869731032016-09-27T06:38:00.001-07:002016-09-27T06:38:55.075-07:00A very unplanned day<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>There is an ongoing
battle in my brain, in which I cannot decide which mantra to live. 1) lower
your expectations and reduce disappointment or 2) expect greatness, receive
greatness. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>This particular day
required the very tiny expectation that one might have of a city; to be
functioning. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Mother has an upcoming
important business meeting with a fancy Lord and, of course, shopping for
appropriate attire became the top priority. She cannot rock up in her Hawaiian
sarong and curlers (the 'everyday' fashion choice). So, on Saturday, I
appointed myself 'personal shopper' for the day and took Mother shopping in
Barcelona. The ease of public transport remains and, twenty five minutes later,
we arrive on Passeig de Gracia. I notice <i>Philipp
Plein </i>is closed. <i>Prada</i>, a few
doors down is also seemingly closed. As is <i>Mango</i>.
Interesting. I don't mention this to Mother, as she may erupt into a violent
panic. Unfortunately, Mother spots Tommy Hilfiger and tries to walk in. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Darling! Where's
the doorman? There's no doorman! What is one supposed to do in these
situations?" Mother's face crinkles. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>She has not noticed
that the door is locked. There are also no lights.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Suddenly, a voice
comes from the ground below us. There is a handsome, homeless man (albeit in
shiny brown loafers that may or may not have been by an Italian designer) who
is speaking to us... along with a Chinese couple holding a large camera and
looking equally perplexed.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Yes, the shops
are closed - it is a fiesta today."</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"WHAT?! You're
joking, aren't you. You ARE joking?"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Yes, it is the
fiesta of Barcelona today. There is a Nike shop down there that is
open...."</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Oh my God. Oh my<i> GOD</i>. Oh my God! I can't believe it. I
can't <i>BELIEVE IT</i>! No. No. NO!<span> </span>They can't be serious. They cannot be<i> serious</i>. Another fiesta? <i>Another fiesta</i>?!"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Mother erupts in the
street, to the homeless man's surprise (he is not used to the British outcry). </span></span></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5P-vbKHqj2oDUQaq6l1j-KKyUyV_cNbTnyGktIyz26Ya-dEzePqqIQvsRAJTMlGuG-wyCAF3NUGKj_DQ4ThBb6veN0Fui8vU4W9Gb34C8CZ6O_kfwf3n1Upimfk_KCtG1vGP5lQ0MhNm1/s1600/HK_CWB_Time_Square_mall_shop_YSL_handbags_interior_July-2014_RedMi.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5P-vbKHqj2oDUQaq6l1j-KKyUyV_cNbTnyGktIyz26Ya-dEzePqqIQvsRAJTMlGuG-wyCAF3NUGKj_DQ4ThBb6veN0Fui8vU4W9Gb34C8CZ6O_kfwf3n1Upimfk_KCtG1vGP5lQ0MhNm1/s320/HK_CWB_Time_Square_mall_shop_YSL_handbags_interior_July-2014_RedMi.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">sad and empty</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>I thank the gentleman
on the floor and guide Mother anywhere else. I, too am upset about this
inconvenience .... as there couldn't really be anything more inconvenient on
this particular day. Nonetheless, after a few moments of breathing, Mother and
I decide to "embrace the situation". Sort of. There is one store open
round the corner and Mother waltzes in and makes a direct path towards the shop
assistant. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Hello! Now, I
want to buy something in here because I want to CONGRATULATE you on the fact
that you're open!"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>N.B. Mother enunciates
the word 'congratulate' quite aggressively with her mouth. I worry, again, that
her jaw may dislocate.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Two minutes later, I
see Mother in deep conversation with a woman browsing through the cardigans. I
can hear her.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"You know, Spain
complain about their financial difficulties but this is why there's a crisis
here! THIS IS WHY!"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>The woman is from
Canada and slowly nods; "Yes... I was wondering why the shops are closed.
Why are they closed? They don't close on a Saturday in Vancouver... there'd be
a riot!"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Yes, I know!
Well, it's another damn fiesta, isn't it! As if they need another one! This is
why there's a crisis in Spain, you know. It's Sunday tomorrow - they close
anyway! Why wouldn't they just move the fiesta day onto tomorrow? They are
losing millions of euros, let me tell you! The amount of money Chanel would
have made today! Saturday, of all days! I mean <i>really!</i>"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>After another ten
minutes of telling the entire store why Spain is having a financial crisis, I
drag Mother out and make our way towards a different part of town. A shred of
hope remains within us that there may be shops open in the quieter part of
town.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>As we head towards the
other end of town, a swarm of over 300 humans are flying in our direction and
we soon realise that the fiesta is happening everywhere. All over the city. Our
last shred of hope dissolves into the giant bobbing Queen's head as it passes
us in the crowd. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Right, so quite
clearly any kind of shopping is out of the window. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>As afternoon brews, it is
time to find somewhere to eat lunch. Mother's mantra of "embracing the
situation" returns (briefly) and decides we ought to bask in the fiesta
spirit and relax over some food. Neither of us realised how difficult it could
be to find a table <i>anywhere </i>on this
particular day. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Eventually, after much
fluster, we find an organic, non-Spanish cafe. In fact, Mother finds it whilst
I wait a few blocks away (I avoided the trek of restaurant-hunting because of
my knee situation) and, when I arrive at the restaurant 30 minutes later, I see
Mother waiting outside with a glass of cava in her hand. Of course.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>As I browse the menu,
I see Mother is not. Instead, Mother is transfixed by a waiter and immediately
calls him over. For what, I am not sure - as she has not seen the menu yet. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Darling, could
we possibly move to that table over there, please?" Mother bats her
eyelashes expectantly.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>I am a little
sceptical at this request, considering we have waited a long time for an
available table - so an instant relocation may not be as easily accommodated as
Mother thinks. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>I am proven wrong as
the waiter happily moves us to the table near the window. I notice Mother is
cava-less. This is odd and as I look at her I see her struggling to recall what
is missing.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Darling I d---
OH! My cava! He must have taken it away... Wait uh---"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Mother proceeds to
hail the waiter down again;</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Darling, sorry -
you took my cava away, darling!" She pulls a sort of sad-puppy face.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Oh... I- I- I'm
sorry yes, yes I bring you another one don't worry" Lovely waiter says.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>As he brings Mother a
fresh glass of cava (may I add here that the previous glass that was taken away
was very nearly finished...), Mother gently grabs the waiter's forearm, before
he can escape, to ask him his name.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Luis Miguel but
it's Luisimi for short"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"How <i>beautiful! </i>Oh how wonderful!! Luisimity?
Loosemiti? Louis? Oh anyway it's gorgeous where are you from? Are you
Spanish?"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"I am from
Argentina, actually"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"<b>OHHH</b>!!" She literally shouts
"OF COURSE YOU ARE! Ohhh how lovely, <i>that's</i>
why you are so SMILEY!!!! You know, all the people from Argentina are just <i>SOOOO </i>lovely!"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>It continues.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>As Luisimi brings me
my calming lavender tea (N.B. some might call me a grandma but you do not
realise the necessity of calming tea when you are with Mother) I offer Mother
to taste it. She does. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Hmmm.... lovely,
darling! Yes... what is that?" Her face grimaces.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"It's calming
lavender tea, Mother"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Yes. I see. What
sort of alcohol is infused? Because it's quite subtle, isn't it? Is it vodka,
darling? Or perhaps gin because that would go with lavender, surely."</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Uh.... it's just
tea, Mother. There isn't actually alcohol in it..."</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"What do you
mean, NO alcohol? What are you drinking then, darling?"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"What? Tea....
the tea? I'm drinking tea. See?"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Mother's confusion
fades as the food arrives and her attention is diverted towards Luisimi and his
bright smile. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVHIuwmwsuiWC8fYbY4kMVophXp30bI36GfEJbkBaFgFkn5d-CL9TqTtU_bcIGOPEcCU3XrExAoQEbEBybx4U555HC02BCzJo7lZzzDC2kV-wp35AhRjoNIY4BAZs4EyObOJcO7kSg4mwG/s1600/champagne-a-spot-of-tea.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVHIuwmwsuiWC8fYbY4kMVophXp30bI36GfEJbkBaFgFkn5d-CL9TqTtU_bcIGOPEcCU3XrExAoQEbEBybx4U555HC02BCzJo7lZzzDC2kV-wp35AhRjoNIY4BAZs4EyObOJcO7kSg4mwG/s320/champagne-a-spot-of-tea.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">quintessentially 'us'. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Barcelona is
lovely but it's always so much better with cava, don't you think,
darling?"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Mhmm."</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>As we eat, an older
gentleman is seated at the table behind Mother. Instantly I am uplifted (I love
old people) and even more so now that I see he is dining alone. My heart swells
and Mother whips around to see what's going on, with great fear of missing out
on any restaurant antics that may be happening behind her. The man does not
realise that this restaurant is a vegetarian restaurant and is perplexed when
the waitress tells him there is no meat. Bless his heart, he hesitantly orders
the risotto and waits patiently.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>It arrives and he
looks quite pleased as he powers through it. Mother frequently and not subtly
spins around to check his satisfaction levels. As if she were the chef seeking
approval. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>As the man leaves after his meal, he walks past our table. He does
not get very far, however, as Mother suddenly launches herself at him and
clenches her hand around his jacketed arm. He jumps and looks around, ever so
startled, to see Mother grinning up at him. Her hand still tightly secured
around him.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"It's good, isn't
it? Did you like it?" Mother attempts to get across her questions in a
bizarre Danish accent.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>He responds timidly,
still shocked; "Please?" as if to say "Please let go of me you
crazy woman".</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>" It's good, no?
You like?" Mother's accent remains.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Yes.... uh- yes
you are right.. yes. Ok." He says, nodding and trying to pry Mothers grip
from his arm.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Bye!"
Mother shouts at him excitedly.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>The man scuttles off
and, soon after, we do too. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>In the lovely sunny
afternoon, Mother and I are walking through some back streets of Barcelona
(often where one might find a little hidden treasure of a store) with the mild
plan of heading towards the beach. As we are strolling along the wide, empty
street looking at the buildings, I am jolted forward. Literally. Something very
heavy has just been smacked into my ankle and a human force has pushed me.
Instant fear... I think I'm being mugged. Panic strikes me as my horrified face
turns to Mother. She grabs me and we both turn around to see a haggard, dirty
old woman that strongly resembles the Evil Witch from Snow White, proffering
the apple. She doesn't say anything - only grunts and mutters something like
"MOVE" at me whilst struggling with a large 5 litre bucket of water
as she continues to push past me until she gets to her porch. I remain in shock
as I am being physically shooed out of the way. Another encounter with a crazy
woman fuels Mother to react quite aggressively;</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"HEY! WHAT DO YOU
THINK YOU'RE DOING?!" She shouts at Evil Witch.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Evil Witch responds,
grimly; "Move faster!" with a surprising American accent.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Mother is taken aback
and says; "NO!<span> </span>NO MOVE
FASTER!<span> </span>NO!<span> </span>NO MOVE FASTER THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>The old hag scuttles
into her hole with her bucket of water. (Sorry, I wouldn't normally be so rude
with my descriptive words but there were a number of ways for that woman to
handle the situation with consideration. She just bulldozed me instead).</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgY52by_CdeM5Jkf1hTSuCqHNZfyGvMKdKwr6-le_abTjSI7bCcpJwmtgcqjIiDj4eobsFppJlksJU4_V6WbV5dGnfxB6LyhNyA0S3eLQN2ixmqG1RFpkNoGCpRJNEapwAPQ1PDurKmTaSg/s1600/23f0fff1-01ba-4048-99b8-a957506320bb.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="301" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgY52by_CdeM5Jkf1hTSuCqHNZfyGvMKdKwr6-le_abTjSI7bCcpJwmtgcqjIiDj4eobsFppJlksJU4_V6WbV5dGnfxB6LyhNyA0S3eLQN2ixmqG1RFpkNoGCpRJNEapwAPQ1PDurKmTaSg/s400/23f0fff1-01ba-4048-99b8-a957506320bb.png" width="400" /></a></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Those of you who may
be concerned that Mother is to attend her business meeting in a sarong and
coconut bra; we plan to return to the city of shops next weekend. Pray for us
that there will not be another fiesta. Or another crazy woman. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>xoxo </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934806416141374677.post-3059010069334681802016-09-09T03:43:00.002-07:002016-09-09T03:43:17.791-07:00MOTHER'S QOTD (quote of the day)<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Upon being offered a red rose by a foreign 'salesman'</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"> "No, because we've come to a restaurant, haven't we? Not a garden centre."</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">xoxo</span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934806416141374677.post-62112207888320299642016-08-04T02:47:00.001-07:002016-08-04T02:47:22.431-07:00Daughter goes to battle<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>I am still buzzing
with rage from this experience, so brace yourselves for some profanity (sorry).
</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Last week, I had to
make the difficult effort to travel to a specific electronic store; '<i>Media Markt</i>' in a shopping mall in order
to return another piece of technology . I say 'difficult' because I had to
'public transport' my way, with the assistance of Mother wheeling me around.
During my short stint as a temporarily-disabled human, I have learnt the many hidden
issues that disabled people face every day. I am actually grateful to have had
the experience.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>So, here I am with
Mother in Media Markt patiently waiting for Carlos the TV expert to finish
helping an old couple choose their screen. I notice that Carlos is
demonstrating the USB slot functions in the side of a TV... by using the
couple's personal USB stick. All of a sudden, a large album of photos appear on
this large screen. Amongst the photos of their grandchildren, I spot a slightly
grim image of the wife. Naked. In a bath. In a foetal position. Swiftly I wheel
myself away and try to find Mother. Mother is browsing in another section and
then we notice Carlos is just about to be available, so we make our way over to
him. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Carlos is lovely (he
only speaks Spanish so I am the translator). Having been in discussions over
Sony vs Samsung for about five minutes, I hear a squawk from afar; "I just
have one question oh my GOD". At this point, this noise has not registered
with me because a) honestly I don't think it's got anything to do with me and
b) because I can't easily turn around to see what's going on (wheelchair,
remember?). </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>A few moments later,
the squawk is significantly louder and I realise this noise is closer to me
than I originally thought. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Hey! I just have
one question! I've been here an hour oh my God! Just one question so I can
gooooooo!!" </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>The voice vibrates around my head and I recognise it to be
foreign. Not Spanish and not English but a different ...<i>specific</i>... nationality I shall not mention.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Okay,<span> </span>this woman is having a stressed day, clearly.
Is she talking to us three? Probably not. Because that would be rude, wouldn't
it? To interrupt. I forget about it. Although, I notice Carlos looks up. His
face is graced with concern but remains calm and I see him look above my head
and explain with only his hands that he is busy and will attend to her when
he's finished with us. Mother is beside me and I see her look behind at this
loud woman in slight shock. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>I cannot see what's
going on behind me but my ears are alert. </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span> </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"ARE YOU
SERIOUSLY NOT GOING TO LET ME ASK JUST ONE QUESTIONNNNNN???" </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span> </span></span></span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Okay. The lunatic is <i>right</i> behind me now. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"You're just
talking about TVs I have one question about a car radio oh my GODD!"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>I can hear her jangly
gold jewellery. I can also, unfortunately, feel my ears shattering a tiny bit
because she's yelling. Right behind me. Literally. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Carlos is perplexed at
this... mental case in front of him. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Mother politely smiles
at her and quietly says; "Look. Don't shout at me, it's not my problem. Go
and complain to Media Markt about the wait."</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"IT'S JUST ONE
QUESTION FOR GOD'S SAKE OH MY F**KING GOD" </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Oh great, she's even
louder. Her pitch has risen by like... a hundred, too. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Carlos is silent. I
see him observe the jungle scene behind me with concern. He looks at me and
tells me not to worry. Bless him. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>The crazy hyena is
moving in. She's moving in and I can feel her behind me. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Mother calmly says;
"Please remove yourself from my vicinity" and turns back to
Carlos.<span> </span>(what? what? <i>calmly? </i>Yes, I know - I don't know how
this has happened but evidently, today our roles reversed and Mother has zero
rage.)</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Are you f**king
seriously not going to let me ask one question???? I'VE BEEN HERE AN HOUR OH MY
GOD ARE YOU JOKING OH MY GOD YOU ARE ---" </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>This b*tch is now
screaming like a wild animal <i>at</i> my
Mother... and poor Carlos!</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>All of a sudden, I
lose it. I whip my steaming head right around to face this Gucci-padded, turnip
of a bleached-blonde Barbie. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"<i><b>EXCUUUUUUUSE ME?!?!?!?</b>"</i> I actually yell
at her with my beetroot-face. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"EXCUSE MEEEE?! <i>DON'T YELL AT HER</i>!!!!!" I
aggressively point my finger to Mother whilst growling at this crazy brat.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"AND HE DOESN'T
EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!! <b>HE DOESN'T SPEAK ENGLISHHHHHH</b>!!!!!!" I roar at her,
whilst pointing at Carlos. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"<b>BACK OFF!!!!!!!</b>" I shout at her. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"I DON´T CARE HE
DOESN´T SPEAK ANY ENGLISH! I DON´T CARE!" This woman is psychotic. And
stupid. Very, very stupid.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>I feel like I have
just exploded 24 years-worth of rage! </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Mother then bends down
to hold my giant, red face. "Darling, don't get stressed" she says to
me, before turning to the hyena and saying; "she can't get stressed, it
makes her worse!!"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><i><span>Which - disclaimer - is 100% true. The stress
tenses up my muscles and locks my neck and jaw, trapping nerves and all sorts. </span></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Then, as if my mind
hadn't already been blown by this tantrum-adult, Barbie arrogantly huffs;</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Oh, she'll
live!" </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>I nearly choked. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>I hear her turn on her
heel, defeated. As she turns, she says; </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"She's only in a
f**king wheelchair."</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>.... </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>With this, my jaw
drops. I have no words. What? Is she <i>joking</i>????</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Carlos doesn't really
understand what has happened but he is very sympathetic. He is so lovely.
Mother is worried about my blood boiling over and out of my ears as she bends
down and comforts me. I can't believe how calm Mother is, I am impressed. I
can't believe I flew off the handle. The medication must have transformed me. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Oh, also - just N.B. -
upon leaving the store, I notice Barbie and her dopy drip of a fiancé asking<i> way more </i>than "just one
question" to Carlos. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Oh my God I feel like
I've been in a warped episode of TOWIE without the margaritas. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>xoxo</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934806416141374677.post-18158860954487331702016-07-19T04:39:00.001-07:002016-07-20T06:40:00.224-07:00UPDATE<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><u><span style="text-decoration: none;"><br /></span></u></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Okay - hello again,
all. So I have a development in The Accident Saga. Since my last post, there is
good news and bad news. Mostly bad news, to be honest - but the good news is
that my cankle was very short-lived. *cheers*.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Oh - and my foot is
almost healed too! So, I suppose two bits of good news :) </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">However, the bad news
is that my knee has not been so fortunate. After having it drained, I thought
all was going to be well and I'd be back on my feet. Instead, my knee inflamed
again and I could barely waddle. Odd, considering when I had it drained years
ago in England, they just popped a plaster over the needle prick and sent me on
my way to heal in a few days - whereas here, in Spain, they wrapped it up in a
cast (as previous post) as protection. Anyway, I had to revisit the hospital
A&E to get more fluid taken out (a frightening prospect as I knew the level
of pain I would be facing). A nice, strong woman from Argentina had me in and
out very quickly (and wrapped my leg in just one light bandage.... how
confident she must have been). </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">The following day I
rested. The day after, I went out for an ice cream with friends (only a few
minutes from home - don't panic, I barely moved!) and then, that evening I met
Mother for a drink at the beach club. Having had zero hours sleep the night
before (this particular weekend our town held the annual Reggae Festival,
shipping in famous artists from Jamaica and California. Very fun... very
marijuana... very loud..), I was sleepy and in need of a nice sunset drink
(still no alcohol yet, which upsets Mother greatly). However, as I was on my
way to meet Mother, I developed a pain in my jaw (I've had this previously,
identified as a dislocated jaw by a dentist). This time, it was a lot worse. From
that moment on, the pain only got worse - meaning I couldn't open my mouth to
talk, eat, drink etc. Of course, Mother has been a very good, if unqualified,
nurse - for which I am grateful and couldn't really cope without her during
this injury. However, she managed to conduct a full meeting with the beach club
owner (where did he come from?! He honestly just appeared when I blinked!) and
his assistant. As I sat beside them all, pretending tears of pain weren't
streaming down my cheeks, I tried to poke Mother very subtly until she got the
message. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Ah, finally we are on
the way to hospital. Again. It's now 10pm and I haven't eaten anything other
than a sorbet all day long. A&E at 10pm is rather busy (because Spanish
people like to do everything at night - including visits to the hospital, it
would seem). Nonetheless, I was assessed by a nurse (another woman....</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">... Let me just
interrupt myself here and comment on the overwhelmingly poor ratio of men to
women. The Spanish women are incredibly good at hospitality. That is all. When
it comes to any kind of mental work - you may as well ask a donkey.
Occasionally you may find a professional woman such as a marine biologist or a
brain surgeon who is able to perform the task at hand very well. Other than
that, these women have absolutely no sense of urgency. They don't know what
they're doing and they never, ever get it right. I have made approximately 1
million phone calls to companies in Spain in the last three and a half years -
of which all 1 million began with a female representative. It isn't until I ask
to speak with a man that I actually get somewhere - because they stop and
listen. That is, if I ever get connected to this male colleague (most of the
time these women fail to operate the phone system and cut me off). </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Okay - back to the
story.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">So - the assessing
nurse listens to me explaining how I think this jaw problem is related to my
previous injuries from my foot and knee. Of course, she interrupts me and says;
"Yes but are you here for your foot or your knee or your jaw
though...?"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">I am called through,
some ten minutes later, by a man (WHAT?! HE'S A <i><u>HE</u></i>??? Rejoice!) and taken to a room. He was lovely and told
me the doctor would be in shortly. As I lie there in pain, Mother is rambling
about how I should behave. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"Darling, make
sure you tell <span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">the doctor</span> you're in pain!"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">I glare at her, tears
streaming down my face.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"Honey - you
mustn't forget - <span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">say</span> about how it must be related to your knee,
darling!"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"Darling, now -
shall I explain to <span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">the doctor</span> that you can't really <span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">tell him</span> everything because it
hurts? I'll explain it better you see - I won't miss anything out"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">I nod lightly.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">The doctor enters. Oh
for GOD'S SAKE IT'S A BL**DY WOMAN!? I sigh and try not to sob. Not that it
would look much different to my current face to be honest. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"I am your
doctor. Well, actually - I am a<i> surgeon</i>.
What is the problem? Tell the surgeon. What happened?"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">She is terrifically
stern looking - with glasses and a permanent frown and black short cropped hair
with disturbing earrings. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">I point to Mother and
the doctor turns around, slightly surprised to see her sitting there. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"I am going to
explain to you what happened because it hurts her too much to talk" Mother
says. Mother is able to conduct her true self as this doctor speaks very good
English.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"No. I prefer you
to tell me . Then your mum can speak afterwards. You speak." Topaz says.
(N.B. we are going to call her Topaz in this post, to make it easier for
reference. She was no gem though. More like a heavy rock.)</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Topaz spins back to me
and raises her eyebrows as I begin to mumble the entire story.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">She then whizzes out
of the room like a moth and returns with some kind of ear torch. She lodges the
torch into my left ear, and then my right. She produces a wooden stick from her
pocket and heavily pokes it in my mouth.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"Say 'aaah'"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"Aaah..." I
manage quietly</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"Ehh, come on!
No! Say 'ahhhhh!!" She says, with a slight patronising tone.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">I tried again. She
then grabs my face in between her gloves and starts thrusting it around like a
rubber doll, pushing my jaw bone this way and that. I am trying not to scream
but she is fully aware I am in intense pain. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"Eh, c'mon now -
it's not that bad!" Again - making me feel like a baby. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">I wanted to say;
"WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO RAM MY FIST IN YOUR JAW AND DISLOCATE IT,
MADAM?!"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">I didn't.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">After sufficient
rattling around my jaw, she says; </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"You have an ear
infection. This jaw is painful because of the ATM tramitifcations and judistification of the traumatication and
so the tube of the REM is in the blah blah causing your pain here in the blah
blah" (Okay that's not accurate but I don't understand medical terminology
whatever the language may be).</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Mother pipes up;
"No. no, no, no" - she shakes her finger - "No, it is not an ear
infection. Now, I am no doctor but this is not an ear infection, excuse me.
This is a dislocated jaw. Actually."</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"No. If she had a
dislocated jaw, you would see that the bottom part of her mouth would be right
over here."</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"WELL IT
WAS!" Mother suddenly exclaims.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">What is going on??
Mother hates this 'big for her boots' woman so much she has resorted to warping
the truth. My jaw - in no way possible - had popped over to the other side of
my face at any point today.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"What?"
Topaz looks confused and turns back to me "Well, you never said this to
me! You never tell me that this happened! Why?"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">She is cross.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">I am stunned. What is
happening? I feel like I'm back at school trying to defend my best friend and
her weird fantasy story about Felicity trying to steal her gel pens.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"Uh.... well -- I
mean...." I look at Mother but Topaz steps between Mother and I, blocking
my view.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"I... Well, I
didn't really remember what happened this morning.... it's just .. lots of
pain.."</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Mother interrupts;
"YOU SEE??? THIS IS WHY SHE WANTED ME TO SAY EVERYTHING! I CAN EXPLAIN IT
BETTER! I DIDN'T FORGET!"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">At this point, I shed
more tears in an attempt to distract everyone from this ridiculous discussion.
I do not remember how this story of the jaw dislocation dissolved but it did.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Topaz continues to
explain to mother and I that perhaps I do have <i>symptoms</i> of a dislocated jaw, which are likely to be caused by this
ear infection as it affects a lot more areas. She then runs through more
symptoms that I recognise and prescribes me antibiotic drops. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Mother then instructs
Topaz to ask the traumatology department to reassess my knee as it's inflamed
again. (True - no sooner had the woman from Argentina drained it - the knee
filled up with fluid again.)</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Topaz shrugs and
leaves the room. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Eventually, the nice
man from the beginning escorts me out and into the traumatology department. He
asks me how I am and I should wait for the doctor for just a moment. Shortly
after, he returns with a doctor .... HE IS ANOTHER MAN! Thank the heavens! At
this point I want to say; "I don't care what you do to my leg, I trust you
with everything!" The nice man (Augustus Gloop, for the sake of writing)
is standing there to help with translation *yay* and the doctor gently feels my
huge knee. After explaining everything, the doctor says he will take a little
more fluid out but this time test it and have an x-ray too.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">I am escorted again to
the x-ray room first and greeted by a young man (woohoo!) as he takes me to a
dark room and efficiently carries out the x-ray. He then wheels me back to the
doctor for the knee operation. I ask if I can have anaesthetic because,
honestly, I can't handle any more pain. He says something in Spanish and
Augustus looks at me with a sorry face and explains that it wouldn't be
possible. However, the lovely male doctor with common sense and an open-mind has
managed to administer a strong pain killer, swiftly, into my bottom. Actually -
Augustus did it.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"You will feel a
little pain down your leg for about a minute but don't worry - it will be fine
soon, are you okay, Charlot?"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Woah - okay - that's a
new pain. Hey, at least another part of my body gets to experience the work of
a needle. I'm sure it felt an outcast.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Also - quite sweet -
the Spanish don't understand the whole "Charlotte-Elizabeth" thing
so, most of the time, they say '<i>shallot</i>'
like I am a small onion.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Laying there with pain
streaming up and down my body, I find it difficult and inappropriate to correct
the lovely Augustus, despite Mother's glare at me.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">A few moments later,
the doctor is preparing more needles and opening loads of packages of things. I
am trying my best to do my meditational breathing, which I have learnt a new
technique I call <i>Picasso breathing</i>;
which requires you to breathe once in, once out, two in, two out, three in,
three out etc.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Mother is behind my
head squeezing my elbows; </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"IS THIS A GOOD PLACE TO STAND, DARLING??"
she shout-whispers.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"Actually
*breathes* could you not *breathes* hold my funny bones please *breathes*"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"Oh!" Mother
retracts her grip "Sorry, darling. I'll just hold your hand then, yes? Do
you think the doctor needs me to help pass things?"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"He has an
assistant. Just stand there and try not to narrate his actions please."</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Augustus checks on me
again, before the doctor gets to work. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Fifteen minutes later
Augustus says; "okay, we are finished now".</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">The doctor and
Augustus Gloop leave the room as another man enters with a woman to apply my
bandage. The woman is here to hold my leg straight, which makes sense; first a
light gauze sock reaching from my thigh to my foot graces my leg. Then, a
compression sock. Then FIVE rolls of loo roll. Okay, so maybe it's medical
roll. Either way - FIVE ROLLS?! This is ridiculous. Then THREE rolls of cotton
wool. I'm not joking. Finally, a huge wad of sticky medical tape stuff. My leg
has magically transformed into a tree trunk. It is three times the size of my
other leg. The male doctor raps against the hard-as-rock bandage with his
knuckles to check it's on securely. I'll
need a chainsaw to get it off, sir - I'm pretty sure you got the job done. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">All the while, I
notice (when the doctor giggles to his female assistant saying 'foto') that
Mother has taken it upon herself to document this experience once again. She
has her phone out, snapping away at my sorry state. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"It's for
England, don't worry! I will show England how it's done! It's much better
here!" She explains, happily. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">I have to translate,
unfortunately, with an apologetic look on my face.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Augustus returns and
helps me to relocate to another bed in the hallway whilst the test results
develop. He brings me ice for my knee and Mother contemplates how she could
smuggle this ice pack home, as she wants a professional one, apparently.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">It is now about 2am. I
am looking like a zombie - dried mascara down my face and puffy eyes. Mother,
however, is as perky as possible. She is sitting next to me on a chair, dressed
in a pale blue summer evening gown. It grazes the floor - so I warn her of the
possible blood she could pick up on her hem - and she swiftly whisks her layers
of silk off the ground, exposing sparkly diamante sandals. In comparison, the
other patients are passing in their pyjamas.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">I try to fall asleep
whilst Mother blabs about the likelihood of ordering a food delivery to
A&E. I tell her that Sushi House won't be able to bring salmon roe to the
hospital at 2am.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">I am woken by
Augustus' bellowing voice; </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"Shallot? Hello, I have your results."</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">We are moved again to
the previous room to discuss the results and where to go from here. N.B. I'm
fine - the important stuff all came back normal but I now have an appointment
to see a rheumatologist. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">At 4am, I am FINALLY
FREE! At least for tonight. I have to wait in the reception area to collect my
documents and reports, which unfortunately exposes both Mother and I to a gory
A&E case. A poor Scandinavian man is trying to explain some formal admin
stuff, with his hand down his grey tracksuit bottoms. He is barefoot, tall and
athletic. There is blood on his tight white shirt and, as he turns around, my
eyes fall upon his tracksuit bottoms; covered in blobs of blood around his....
crotch. 4am with no sleep and no food makes for a queasy me anyway. However,
Mother takes it upon herself to tell me exactly what happened to this poor man.
</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">According to Mother; </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"he
is gay, darling. His boyfriend must have bitten his willy! He looks a bit gay -
I think the boyfriend got angry, darling! Or maybe there was a piercing
involved between them... I don't know, I wasn't there actually but I'm quite
sure it's got something to do with a bitten willy."</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Fantastic. I have got
a very vivid image that will not go away for a good week. I was quite content
with assuming it was an unlucky zipper accident (which caused my brain great
grief as it was). </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Onwards and upwards,
as they say. I shall do some spiritual mind cleansing. Then, try to fix this
knee. I'm sure the rheumatologist will wave his wizard wand this week and I'll
be back playing beach volleyball asap!
Until then, I'll be here watching Netflix and supervising Mother's
cooking from the sofa :)</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">xoxo</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">P.S. I realise I
frequently contradict myself in regards to the uselessness of males one day and
females the next. I really do have a solid theory of what each gender excels
at, I promise. It all adds up when they are being observed as professionals in
the workplace (and not dopey husbands in crocs on the side of the road).</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934806416141374677.post-894236626533481562016-07-08T07:15:00.002-07:002016-07-13T08:15:02.390-07:00The Accident<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Warning: please
prepare yourselves for a slightly gory account of the last two weeks. If
accident stories make you feel nauseous, please do not read! </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Also - I have a
feeling this will be rather a lengthy post, so grab some cookies :)</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Rewind to last
Wednesday:</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Both Mother and I were
at home. Suddenly, a loud explosion rang through the house, followed by a
smash. Without thinking, I ran straight to the emergency - without knowing what
it was (not wise, on reflection) - and
found Mother looking at something. As I rush to the other side of her, she
screamed "NO! DON'T...!" but it's too late; my bare foot stamped straight
down on a right-angled chunk of heavy glass, slicing straight through inches of
my foot. I lifted my leg up, expecting
blood, only to find nothing... oh no, there it is; the delayed volcanic
eruption. Mother went into 'no-panic' mode; "Don't worry, darling - it's
fine - don't panic, don't panic". </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">As soon as I saw the
blood - I fainted. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Considering I am studying to be a criminal psychologist,
this may be something I'll have to overcome. However, I collapsed as Mother
tried to save me from any more injuries and laid me down in the hall, trying to
drag me to the living room. At this point, I was laughing to cover the intense
pain as Mother looked like a flustered murderer dragging a dead body. Only a
few feet and yet Mother is exhausted and needed a sit down. I made it to the
sofa, my leg elevated and my foot wrapped in a white-now-red towel and a
plastic bag. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"Hospital.... we
need to get you to a hospital, darling" Mother informs me.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"WHY?? Is it that
bad? What's it look like? Take a photo... how bad is it?" I am concerned. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Quite an annoying
location for an injury actually - as it is immediately disabling and I can't
actually see it. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"Well, darling -
I am in the middle of writing up an interview actually, so you Google our
nearest hospital and let me finish this work. You'll be fine, just sit there...
if blood starts pouring out of the bag onto the floor, call me because that's
an expensive rug. Do you want something to calm you down, darling? I've just
opened some cava, how about a glass of that, just to calm your nerves? Quite a
shock you've had, cava is good for that, darling."</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"No thanks. Just
water and something sugary please... I need to not faint again. I don't need a
celebratory beverage thank you..."</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiR0TH_lsC175V5Ux_RlQEDlNHyT_67BwXb3P3-H0mCtAp1hOCbUnDpT4QUfN7D6d3A2CL9AjaAzx-6OM0IBjhfHIIORgE0-MhxDh6EZjvgcwaxi9dSkHIQ3_LHvoZZ3WQwNH0LIXakLBfn/s1600/IMG-20160622-WA0001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiR0TH_lsC175V5Ux_RlQEDlNHyT_67BwXb3P3-H0mCtAp1hOCbUnDpT4QUfN7D6d3A2CL9AjaAzx-6OM0IBjhfHIIORgE0-MhxDh6EZjvgcwaxi9dSkHIQ3_LHvoZZ3WQwNH0LIXakLBfn/s400/IMG-20160622-WA0001.jpg" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">So, half an hour
later, arriving at the hospital with Mother (who had miraculously somehow
created herself a fresh face of makeup whilst I nearly drowned in blood),
rushing in to get a wheelchair. As I'm wheeled in, I register and wait in the
waiting room. This in itself was quite an ordeal as Mother cannot manoeuvre a
wheelchair at all. She shuffles me around for a good two minutes - back and
forth, round and round, jerking the wheels across the floor - before settling
me down right at the front, in the way of everyone else, like a spectacle in a
museum. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Luckily, I wasn't
waiting for long as the Spanish healthcare system is actually very impressive.
I was assessed and sent to a different waiting room. Mother's face drops here
as hospitals are not her favourite place. For me, I find it a rather
educational experience. Even though I keep coming over faint with the pain. As
I witness a conveyer belt of patients, cries and broken people, I register the
three or four doctors on duty. There are three young men who smile at me and
seem like they know what they're doing. There's also an older gentlemen - who I
describe as a grizzly old bear - seemingly grumpy at both staff and patient.
Worse; this bear seems to be taking in the patients that are waiting in this
room with me. As the possibility of him treating me grows, I have a mental
breakdown.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"Mummyyyyy!!
*sob* I c-c-can't have h-h-him! I d-don't like h-him! Pleeeeaaseee no! He'll be
m-mean and rough with m-me! Look! I don't w-want him, mummy!" I sob
uncontrollably as the young doctors pass through, worried at my state.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"Ok, darling - if
you don't want him I'll tell him, darling. Don't worry - you won't have what
you don't want, sweetie. Mummy's here. Mummy's here, darling! Look - maybe
you'll have one of those young junior doctors! You'll be fine, darling, don't
worry." </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">After a few minutes of
realistic reflection, my sobbing subsides and I let fate take control.
Everything happens for a reason. I'll be fine.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Of course, the gruff
bear calls my name and ushers me in. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Fine. Fine. It's okay
- I tell myself. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">I tell him that I
speak Spanish but I don't know all the medical terms so I ask if he speaks
English. He doesn't (a shrug confirms his limited languages). The conversation
that follows, puts my mind at rest as I realise he actually just has quite a
British, dry sense of humour as we joke together. Mother has no clue what is
going on and is frantically mouthing "WHAT IS HE SAYING????" to me
from the other chair. As the doctor unwraps the plastic bag around my injury,
he takes a peek and immediately says something to the nurse and she instructs
me to lay down on the bed. I ask what he said so he demonstrates with hand
motions; *stitches* and Mother nods to say "I told you". </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">A very quick process proceeded,
for which I was grateful, as I don't handle needles very well! The nurse and the doctor were excellent and
able to communicate the important parts to me. However, just in case of a return
visit, Mother gathered up all the personal details of the staff members, including
the receptionist (unnecessary I think). We now have a list of doctors' names -
with a memo beside each one, such as;</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"> "v. good. not as grumpy as seems". </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"lovely watch.
must ask where from next visit."</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"speaks good
English"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"gorgeous smile.
Ask age next time?"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">And so on. Eventually,
I leave. Actually, upon arriving home, a nice lady offers to help me hop back
to my house, whilst her dopy husband stands and watches. Yet another example of
how women are stronger and smarter than men. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPhFcJMB7XNBxCyPuGlSrDUXCxJrymM4nG2lA0AwEJm0tqVJjtu2uxAc_GSlvvs7bhSHqDh3wKwsGJFvDect2MjuJZDSva63vuRTYoGcJg02Iy9LK4f3gZ_5uWErZ-ja-JanbtR1sZ1Crv/s1600/Snapchat-5532116800677405696.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPhFcJMB7XNBxCyPuGlSrDUXCxJrymM4nG2lA0AwEJm0tqVJjtu2uxAc_GSlvvs7bhSHqDh3wKwsGJFvDect2MjuJZDSva63vuRTYoGcJg02Iy9LK4f3gZ_5uWErZ-ja-JanbtR1sZ1Crv/s400/Snapchat-5532116800677405696.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">---------------------------------------------------------------------</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Housebound for a few
days (the biggest struggle of all - as I'm very active and outdoorsy these
days!), I let Mother out alone to the shops. Unfortunately, she returns with
very bizarre items (due to the lack of language progression) - unable to
identify simple things such as mayonnaise ('mayonesa', I'd thought, would be
fairly easy. Apparently not - as she returns with a disgusting white salad
sauce.) Carrot juice instead of orange juice was another gem. Nonetheless,
Mother kindly brings home a crutch. A bright lime green one, in fact, because ;
"it matches our sun chairs, darling!". I will also mention here, that
as well as allowing her into the supermarket alone, I also had no other choice but
to let her in the kitchen to cook. I know - I know - but really I had no other
choice! (Even though Mother tried to persuade me to order us a kebab takeaway
all week). Unfortunately, Mother believed that Chinese egg noodles and dried
spaghetti were exactly the same thing and therefore cooked them together for approximately
30 minutes. Dinner resembled something you might find in the waste bin of
Alcatraz. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">The following evening
was the Sant Joan fiesta, which runs from around 7pm to 7am (seriously). Myself
being perfectly happy with watching the fireworks from the balcony, Mother sets
off to enjoy the experience even closer. Three minutes later, she rushes back
in yelling;</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"GET UP! QUICKLY!
YOU ARE NOT MISSING THIS! IT'S AMAZING DOWN THERE! COME ON!!"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">And so, in slight
hysteria, Mother half-carries me to the beach. Electing herself as a traffic
warden by stopping all the traffic as I hobbled across the road. It wasn't quite what I expected; it looked a
bit like a war zone, actually. There were children, bare-foot, running around
with lighters and sparklers. There were parents lighting fireworks whilst holding
a bag of them in the same hand. There were Bronx youths wearing stupid hats and
carrying fire bombs. So, as I sat on the bench (see below), disabled in my
pyjamas, I feared for my safety. Actually, I nearly got struck by a firework.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWgw8H4JtdtHREUpNaLCDS_jxuyBNoTTss1e3o05NOj9t3jntY40YH7axdUspwoT2h1_d6glqddybSMKtAMvAZ4LQpqq6Ak6zwXl896XNU-HvzjT4XonPduQgfeA-5IsmRGAWcmG8AHPET/s1600/IMG-20160629-WA0001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWgw8H4JtdtHREUpNaLCDS_jxuyBNoTTss1e3o05NOj9t3jntY40YH7axdUspwoT2h1_d6glqddybSMKtAMvAZ4LQpqq6Ak6zwXl896XNU-HvzjT4XonPduQgfeA-5IsmRGAWcmG8AHPET/s640/IMG-20160629-WA0001.jpg" width="360" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">The following weekend,
I couldn't bear to be inside for a minute longer - so attempted a beach day. I
got half way, when Mother exclaimed; "Darling, sit here - wait. I have an
idea" and before I could stop her, she zoomed off in the direction of the
lifeguards. Brilliant. Ten minutes later, I realised that Mother has chatted up
Mario in order to chauffeur me to my destination in my very own royal sand
carriage (see below). I didn't expect quite such an audience but for some
reason the entire population of Spain turned up to watch this. </span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHY_7h8uAkyViRa1ypJMk1PdlmRyPgVg5UezCnTEQxgl3gcGDDkPJwQWUcINrmQSDqjtFzzd_zMl3QjkAtXltua75nZFwx4fNiqIXZlTVxZSo8WiHl8Z0j3yPplgYgYdMj78NF1ZLpy-O0/s1600/20160626_171858.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="384" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHY_7h8uAkyViRa1ypJMk1PdlmRyPgVg5UezCnTEQxgl3gcGDDkPJwQWUcINrmQSDqjtFzzd_zMl3QjkAtXltua75nZFwx4fNiqIXZlTVxZSo8WiHl8Z0j3yPplgYgYdMj78NF1ZLpy-O0/s640/20160626_171858.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">-------------------------------------------------------------------</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Fast forward to the
beginning of this week. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">I wake to see my right
knee the size of a football. Immediately, it all makes sense; I had a similar
injury from the marathon in 2012 due to impact inflammation. I have been
compensating the weight to my right leg to handle the foot injury. The pain was
unbearable so Mother takes me to the health centre here, although I can't walk
(left foot with stitches, right knee unable to take any weight). So Mother
kindly leaves me in the car while she borrows a wheelchair from Alberto at the
health centre (no wonder she took so long... they had a "lovely little
chat" apparently). Collecting me, Mother embraces her inner Lewis Hamilton
and races me through the car parks and across the main road... unaware that she
must first locate the disabled access routes that allow the chair to glide up
and down the slopes cutaway in the curbs. Instead, Mother tips me head first
into the gutters. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9kjK5dLu5Uim-W6V0OlgzY_2Gn9qYqb4yEJgzWMCx6587TlCD586ejn-qlyR5DNv1iCx9MNSJKT762diHOtO86wKWqyUGmu3c-AgUAjd_QSB7MevNHf3kBTV0Gp2wluw4a8B8iS7e5mB0/s1600/20160703_094722.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="263" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9kjK5dLu5Uim-W6V0OlgzY_2Gn9qYqb4yEJgzWMCx6587TlCD586ejn-qlyR5DNv1iCx9MNSJKT762diHOtO86wKWqyUGmu3c-AgUAjd_QSB7MevNHf3kBTV0Gp2wluw4a8B8iS7e5mB0/s400/20160703_094722.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">My appointment was at
10:10. By quarter past, I am still waiting (zero bother on my part) outside my
assigned door. However, another door down the hall opens as a young male doctor
steps out and calls "Peter" in as his next patient. Mother clocks
this doctor. Twenty-something and 'very good looking' apparently. I can't see
long-distance so he's a blurry white jacket to me. This 'Peter' is not here, it
would seem. Mother turns to me and says; </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"Raise your hand,
quickly!" </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"Pardon?"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"Pretend you're
Peter! You can see that doctor, darling!"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"No."</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"YES! Look, Peter
isn't even here, is he? We're waiting! You're an urgent patient! I bet he'll be
very good, darling! He <i>looks </i>like
he'll be good, doesn't he?"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"It doesn't work
like that. It's not a queue. We're assigned a doctor, Mother."</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"No but he won't
know! You'll just say you're name is <i>Pieter,
</i>pretend you're named after your great grandfather! Come onnnnn!"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">N.B. Great Grandfather
is Henry. Not Peter.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"Shut up. You're
disturbing the other patients. Sit down!"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">We are quickly seen by
my <i>assigned</i> female doctor and sent
straight to back to A&E. Upon arrival, Mother re-introduces herself to all
the doctors, nurses and receptionists, feeling extremely proud that she
remembers everyone's name. Actually, she even makes friends with a couple of
patients by providing light entertainment in the waiting room. I am there (in
the wheelchair, in the middle of the room, as an obstructive specimen to be
stared at. I quickly learn how to wheel myself around in the end.) Mother has
brought some sort of fly swat and her face is graced with an angry-Shrek
expression as she growls at this fly circling the room. It lands on her foot
and Mother swiftly attacks it with the swat. Loudly. The skater boy opposite is
trying hard not to laugh at her, while his father is nodding and
chuckling. Mother optimistically
believes they are laughing <i>with </i>her
and therefore continues to act out scenes, paying her dues as hospital
entertainer. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Soon after, I am
ushered in to see a doctor about my knee. I am, yet again, judgemental over these
doctors and - as she is a woman - I am a little nervous. She instructs me to
lay down on the bed whilst she gathers her helpers and tools. As I lie there,
doing my calming breathing, Mother comes over and inspects the cloth I am
laying on. It is hospital-blue linen, at which Mother gasps at and says; </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"Darling! It feels like Egyptian cotton! Oh LOOK, there's more over there,
how amazing! Look, they're all ironed! You don't get that in England, do you?
No, they just use paper and throw it away! What a waste! You see, bless Spain,
eco-friendly this is, isn't it?"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Mother continues to
investigate the surgical room, touching things she's not supposed to. The
doctor re-emerges with her helper and explains what they're going to do. It
turns out, they won't be using anaesthetic to drain all of this fluid from my
knee. My adrenalin, at this stage, is through the roof (as it usually is in hospitals
et al.) and the thought of needles jabbing into this already-painful knee makes
me light-headed. I try my best to continue my meditational breathing patterns,
focusing. Mother lends a somewhat unhelpful hand by holding me; </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"Learn
some French to take your mind off this. What's the French word for 'needle',
darling?". </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Twenty minutes later, two huge tubes were full of my
extra-leg-stuff and my leg wrapped up <b><i>very </i></b>tightly in 5 layers of bandage,
tape and cotton. Instant pain relief, thank God, although now a slightly
different needle-bruise pain but totally manageable and I am more than ready to
get out of the hospital now! Ah, no. Two more doctors have come in and Mother
asks the male junior doctor (through enthusiastic charades, obviously) to take
a look at my stitches on my other foot as she is worried about the medical work
carried out previously by the female doctor. How rude. How embarrassing. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Of course, the work on
my foot was totally fine and I am 'healing very well'. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br />
Here we are at the final stages of The Accident. I am still on somewhat of a
rest order, so no swimming in the ocean for a few more days *sob*, however I'm
off the meds! Yay! My knee is still significantly larger than the left knee but
I'm hoping it will die down. The doctor said she couldn't take any more fluid out
because it would traumatize my knee (more traumatising than Mother's behaviour
this week? Doubtful) so apparently the extra fluid will disperse through my leg
in time. So far, it has dispersed to my ankle and I now have a <i>cankle</i>?!?!</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Send prayers for my
foot and knee and cankle.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">xoxo</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqpzxZ-Fzn3bs5XRWzHDPmteQjMsxKIOumThEQuvG5RXXM6wrIxiAO45wX98eOCEcK-TEen1LbgdKkIW7xHHcrBMng15DXez2tMcaYu5gC9xX7sF_HDj7GyslPNElLC_r4oTAc28q7dXWQ/s1600/IMG-20160704-WA0003.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqpzxZ-Fzn3bs5XRWzHDPmteQjMsxKIOumThEQuvG5RXXM6wrIxiAO45wX98eOCEcK-TEen1LbgdKkIW7xHHcrBMng15DXez2tMcaYu5gC9xX7sF_HDj7GyslPNElLC_r4oTAc28q7dXWQ/s400/IMG-20160704-WA0003.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTb6Y0jBEP3Bh5B0W69q23KGvZH0vVkYwnTyZh2E8bDyd_IshfNuHRASbrk9p8yYL2SHL8fNHbxwHi1534X-qllv4UMmZOFFxjS3_0eCvQfuLqDHA5ul8UM7ljBdIsqabtLCdIk_gHW41-/s1600/IMG-20160707-WA0000.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTb6Y0jBEP3Bh5B0W69q23KGvZH0vVkYwnTyZh2E8bDyd_IshfNuHRASbrk9p8yYL2SHL8fNHbxwHi1534X-qllv4UMmZOFFxjS3_0eCvQfuLqDHA5ul8UM7ljBdIsqabtLCdIk_gHW41-/s400/IMG-20160707-WA0000.jpg" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Accessorizing.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934806416141374677.post-65017678166828335872016-06-08T01:57:00.002-07:002016-06-08T01:57:56.686-07:00English Lessons or High Tea?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Today's 'event' passed
like all the others and I almost forgot that I had a blog - dedicated to
documenting such things. I'm glad I remembered, as now I am beginning to fear
that Mother's odd behaviour is developing rapidly and I welcome advice on how
to sedate her.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>I recruited Mother to
join me on my annual bikini hunt (side note: this is the time of year I despise
the most. Not because I'm self-conscious of my body at all but simply because I
<b><i><u>never</u></i></b>
find anything remotely nice and end up in tears in the changing room whilst
Mother is in hysterics at my suddenly-distorted figure). Having saved our trip
until the end of the day (when all the shops open. Spain.), we walk through the
streets as the sun sets and the much needed breeze picks up. In the summer in
Spain, I learned yesterday, the children finish school at 1pm and never return
until the following day because it's "too hot" to learn. Which
consequently means that any activities / errands I have to do must be infested
with extremely ill-behaved children darting around at my feet on their scooters
with their bl**dy bread and cakes smothered all over their faces (sorry, I am
not a 'children' kind of girl but I won't rant. I shall also stop while I'm
ahead regarding my rants on food... "Oh, how lovely you live in Spain -
all that lovely Mediterranean food at your fingertips!" .... SORRY CAN I
JUST BUTT IN HERE AND CONFIRM, KNOWLEDGEABLY, THAT THERE IS NO LOVELY
MEDITERRANEAN CUISINE TO BE FOUND ANYWHERE IN THIS COUNTRY BECAUSE ALL THEY EAT
IS BREAD AND FRIED THINGS AND PASTRY AND BREAD AND CAKES AND BREAD AND
BAGUETTES AND HAM IF YOU'RE LUCKY AND BREAD!)</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Okay so now we all
understand that Spanish food is the only thing that gets me a tad agitated.
Back to zen-me.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>So, Mother and I are
browsing the lanes. Mother stops at the cash point and I observe a group of
12-ish year old school children in the plaza; they're evidently trying to
practice their English amongst each other - which I find quite sweet. They're
doing some kind of project together as they have a clipboard with supposed
questions like "do you know the way to the station" etc. As we are
leaving, Mother looks at the children and I explain what I think is going on. Just
as I turn to continue up the street, Mother announces; </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Hey, let's go and
t---" </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>... and with that, she quickly becomes out of earshot as I turn back
around to see Mother walking over to the group of children! How great. I strain
to hear her say; </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"HELLO! HOLA! HOW ARE YOU?" as she bends down to
their level. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>I immediately adopt
100% concern for myself - believing that any second I will hear a shrill "DARLING! DARLING COME HERE I NEED YOUR HELP TALK TO THESE GIRLS AND BOYS
IN SPANISH QUICKLY DARLING!!" </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>So, with this terrifying (and quite likely)
presumption in my head, I literally run down the street. Honestly, I run so I
can blend in with the crowd - so as not to be associated with Mother at the
present moment. I head into a large store and hide at the back, making sure I
can see out of the window. I pretend to be somewhat interested in the vile mixture
of colours displayed on the plus size mannequins as I try hard to rid my mind
of the awkward scene that's playing in my head;</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Mother approaches
children. Children look quite terrified (Mother is wearing a rather large African
hat and bountiful dress, speaking stern, plum-in-mouth English). A few children
scuttle away. A few stay, intrigued. Mother says; </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Hello. Do. You. Speak.
English." in a Spanish accent. A child looks perplexed as he/she tries to
decipher what Mother is saying. Mother continues; </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"You. Are. Learning.
English. Yes?" </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>It clicks, with one child, as he/she perks up, saying; </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Do you know way to station? Where is scooter in the sea?" </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Mother
claps excitedly. Mother jumps a little with glee. Mother says; </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"EXCELLENTE! Mucho bien, children!" </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>and<span> </span>then; "What scooter in the sea,
darlings?" </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>The children try to have a hand-gesture conversation to convey
what they mean and Mother eventually decides they mean to say 'groin' ; </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Ah! Oui! Si! The <b><i>groin. </i></b>We say groin. It is the groin
you are looking for! In the sea!" </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>The children are very confused and look
at Mother; </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"groy? grin? oin?" </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Mother gets a little closer and enunciates
even more; </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"<i>GROIN</i>! <i>Groin</i>!" </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Eventually, the children
and Mother complete their understanding of each other and Mother ceases the
English lesson as the children run off. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>This imaginary scene,
playing in my head whilst I hide behind an orange kaftan, is actually not so
imaginary after all. In fact, I see Mother peering into the window of the shop
I'm in as she spots me and waves violently for me to come out. I obey - first
checking that it is not resembling the Tale of Jemima Puddle-Duck; Mother
leading a trail of smaller children in a line behind her. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Where <i>were</i> you?? I needed your help with
Spanish!"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Mhmm. Come on,
let's go before they catch up with us."</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"What? What are
you talking about, I had a <i>wonderful </i>conversation!
Very sweet. One of them ran away but the shy tomboy spoke to me in English! I
said "mucho bien", darling - what does that mean? Is that
right?"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"No. It means
'much good'."</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Oh. Well, anyway
they asked me to help them with their school work! I think they understood me
because I speak like the Queen, darling and that's how they learn English,
isn't it?"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Mother continues to
recite the details of her adventure - which matched exactly with what I had
imagined.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>I manage to persuade
Mother to resume to the errands we had to do; not yet having found a bikini. Five
minutes later we're coming out of a shop and face a boy and a girl with
clipboards. Mother <i>immediately </i>shoves
her hand inches from the girl's face, waves frantically and loudly shouts; </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"HOLA! HOLA!!"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>I am staring at her.
So is the girl. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Uhh....
hola..." The girl replies, looking at the boy.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"<i>REMEMBER ME</i>??! <span> </span>DO YOU LEARN ENGLISH? YOU ARE LEARNING ENGLISH
- <i>HELLO</i>!"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"No...
uhh..." The girl is terrified.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"No
English...." The girl continues as she bends her whole body back - away -
from Mother. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"YES! NO?
YES!" Mother continues the awkward conversation whilst I try to observe
the window of another shop.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>The two children
scuttle off as soon as Mother looks away and the boy nervously waves goodbye.
Bless him, so very confused by this British asylum escapee. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>I quickly pan the area
to check that there's no other children running around - waiting to be
victimised. All clear. I continue my quest whilst Mother says;</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span> "Oh darling, they
must have thought I was very important. I mean, look at me; I'm wearing a dress
fit for tea with royalty - they probably thought I <i>was </i>royalty to be honest, darling. I've even got an occasional hat,
it's straw! Don't you think, darling? Bless them - so shy in front of royalty.
It's quite understandable." </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934806416141374677.post-3696468510199498392016-05-06T07:40:00.000-07:002016-05-06T07:40:17.487-07:00My French Antique Mother <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]--><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">Having moved into our
new place (much excite) just over a week ago, naturally we have unpacked
everything; repainted the walls; fixed and fitted extra necessities and sold
half of our belongings. Mother is impatient and doesn't like to hoard. </span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">The day after moving
in, Mother decided she wanted extra plug sockets and several contraptions to
cover the wires dangling from the ceiling (Spain don't provide any kind of
lighting in new houses and you're lucky if you get an oven). So, Mother asked a
friend of hers to recommend an electrician to take a look at the work but
unfortunately he was Spanish and evidently had NO clue what to charge for the
work and gave us a ludicrous quote. So, our English friends sent us the
electrician they use on their boat and thankfully he had a commercial brain and
experience.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">Fast forward a few
days (whilst Mother impatiently panicked that the electricians might break her
new home) and the lads from South East London rock up ("late!" - as
Mother exclaimed to me when they hadn't
arrived 5 minutes past the ETA).</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"FINALLY! Someone
I can trust to get the job done! Thank you - now here let me remind you what
you're doing." </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">Mother leads them through the hallway, </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"Mind that!
That's my French antique armoire! It's lovely, isn't it? Careful! It's antique!
From France! Do you know, I had to have that shipped to me all the way from
France! I've had it for years and now I have to sell it because bl**dy Spain
and their stupid architectural designs aren't accurate and now I have to sell
it because it doesn't bl**dy fit in here!!! I am furious! Did you know? I am. <i>I am furious</i>! Anyway, be careful, don't
damage that while you're here, the man's coming to take it away tomorrow. Well,
he said he would call but he hasn't - has he darling?" </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">Mother looks at me
and I peer over my book to smile and shake my head. She continues; </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"No,
well, he's probably sitting drinking beer, bl**dy Spanish siestas getting on my
nerves."</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">Lad 1 and 2 are
standing in the hallway, staring at Mother and slowly nodding. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"Yeah, they're
lazy sods aren't they, love. Anyway, we gotta be off at 'bout six so best be
telling us what ya want, darlin'." </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"What?? Well, you
have to get it all done today, I don't want to be disturbed again - you won't
believe all the mess we've had with the Spanish technicians in here ...
look!" </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">Mother exclaims and points at our laundry room door that's been
battered to pieces.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"Crikey, what'd
they do 'ere?" </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">Lad 2 looks perplexed.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"Yes, I know! The
'locksmith' came to fix the broken lock but his 'tool kit' was a pouch with a
hammer! He just ran at the door! Like this..." Mother demonstrates.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"Yeah, sounds
like he ain't got no trainin'."</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">Mother continues the
house tour of disastrous Spanish engineering before offering them tea.
Actually, she reels off the exotic list of Fortnum & Mason teas we have and
then delegates the tea-making to me. As usual. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"Right, in
here" </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">Mother points to the ceiling wires where the lights should be, </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"I want to cover these up - remember I told you, so I bought some nice
little boxes like you told me to. Well, actually I chose the round ones with
the pretty nodules. <i>[N.B. 'nodules' is
such a hideous word! Where did it even come from? Does anyone even know what I
mean by 'nodules'? Those little in-and-out decoration-y bits...?] </i>I think
they'll go with my French antique table below, don't you? They've got
character, you see. Just like that French antique armoire I'm<i> forced</i> to sell." </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">Mother slumps
into the sofa as she says this.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"Right,
love" </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">Lad 1 replies, looking at the boxes, </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"yeah, they'll do fine.
We'll get started on those then, yeah? See how quick we can get 'em done"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"> "Ooooh, nah
mate...." </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">Lad 2 chimes in with one of those British inhale-sighs, </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"nah, won't be able to drill through that ceiling mate, that's like
flour - it won't hold nuthin' - ceilin'
gonna come down, innit mate, nah - can't get a drill through summink like
that"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">Mother purses her lips
and says, </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"Yes, you will. Of course you will - how else will lights get up
there? Go on, give it a go - I bet you it'll work. Come on boys - here, use
this masking tape..." </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">Mother hands the lads the masking tape along with
detailed instructions on how to do their job.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">A few minutes later
and they've successfully installed two out of seven.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">Just as lad 2 is
preparing the next box, I notice him whip Mother's precious wooden chair from
under the piano to stand on. His foot is about an inch from the seat before I
hear a shriek...</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span lang="ES-TRAD">"<b><i>NOOOOOOOO!!!!! </i></b></span><b><i>NO NO NO!</i></b> <b>STOP</b>! WHAT ARE YOU <i>DOING</i>?!?!? NO, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no! THAT'S MY FRENCH ANTIQUE CHAIR!!! IT'S <b><i>FRENCH ANTIQUE!</i></b> GOOD LORD, CAN YOU
IMAGINE ..... THAT'S FRENCH ANTIQUE! IT COULD SHATTER INTO A MILLION PIECES,
WHAT WOULD HAPPEN.... THAT'S <b>ANTIQUE</b>!!
"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">Lad 2 leaps backwards, </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"ah, sorry love. You ain't got any ladders 'av ya?"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">Mother recovers and
hands him some ladders. She begins to tell the story of how she obtained the
French antique chair. From France. Shipped. Of course. Very antique. Very
French. Very sentimental. Probably worth a fortune. Probably from an old
writer's chateau. Possibly owned by the royal family at some point. Blah blah
blah.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">Having exhausted the possibilities
of standing on any more fragile furniture, Mother relaxes. By this, I mean she
continues to follow the lads around the house, hovering over them, constantly asking
a wide variety of technical questions and being on hand to offer tools. Meanwhile,
I resume to my tea and book in the corner.</span></span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span>I am often very confused when it comes to
technicians / electricians / plumbers etc in your home. Are you supposed to
stand and make small talk to be friendly and polite? Are you supposed to stay
out of their way and let them get on with their work? What is the protocol
here? I think I followed the correct etiquette.</span></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"></span></span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"></span></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934806416141374677.post-59998923904676685702016-04-13T05:27:00.000-07:002016-04-13T05:27:30.182-07:00So mortified I had to hide in the bathroom for 5 minutes<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]--><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>At this stage, I'm
sure you're all feeling extremely sympathetic towards my ongoing situation. You
know, the whole "I have to spend my life restraining Mother"
situation. I had hoped that we could reside here in this city - as new citizens
- without Mother immediately creating a name for herself but unfortunately I am
not so lucky. The huge downfall of Mother is that I am involuntarily associated
with her and - considering her memorable hair colour and unique sense of style
- she is not one to blend into the crowd (meaning every time we are in public
together, people will wave to her as if to say "ah yes, the crazy woman
from last night that kept sending food back" or "oh it's the woman
who spent 45 minutes trying to untie a distressed pigeon from a net" and
so on). </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>A relaxing Sunday for
our fellow citizens was interrupted by a destructive Mother, once again.<span> </span>Sitting down midday for a coffee on the main
street (this is important; the main street is the street I walk down several
times every day) we order our drinks and are considering a snack when Mother's
shrill voice interrupts my menu-browsing; </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"<i>What is that?!!</i>" </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"What now, Mother
dearest?"</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"DRUGS! I can
smell <i>drugs!!! </i>Can you smell it? Can
you smell that? OH MY GOD......"</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>At this moment, Mother
whips her head around to the table of vibrant 20-somethings 2 feet behind us
and they all look back at her...</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Not
really..." I reply</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Mother's face is about
40% livid. For comparison, I can tell you that this is about a 120% level of
anger on a regular person. </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Right, that's
it. I honestly put up with so much [<i>I
raise my eyebrows automatically</i>] but this just pushes it too far! Smoking
drugs at a restaurant?!?! [<i>n.b. it is a
bar / cafe</i>] I can't eat here with <i>that</i>
going on! Honestly, I'm inhaling that! If I wanted to go and smoke bl**dy drugs
I'd go and buy some wouldn't I!<b> I don't
want that shoved down my throat!!!</b>"</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Before I know it,
Mother ushers over the kind waitress to explain her dire dining conditions;</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Are they smoking
drugs????" Mother darts her finger at the table behind.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Que?"</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Oh right,
darling..." Mother looks at me, </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"She doesn't speak English - tell
her, sweetie"</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"No thank you
Mother"</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"TELL HER WHAT
I'M SAYING WHAT IS THE WORD FOR DRUGS????"</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"I don't
know"</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>The waitress looks
expectantly from Mother to myself... waiting.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"<i>DROGS... drogs.... drugas... DRUGS</i>!"</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>The waitress is
evidently confused.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Mother then hand
signals the 'smoking' gesture, followed by a disgusted facial expression and
another finger-jab at the youths. Unfortunately, I am facing them, directly,
meaning that my face is the only focal point of this commotion for them.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>The waitress has
picked up on the hand gesture and says; </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Ah! Yes, we have machine inside!
We sell inside"</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"<b><i>What?!?!?!</i></b>"
Mother exclaims, terrifying the waitress, "You sell the drugs inside?!? Oh
my GOD, darling, they're selling them!"</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>I offer the idea that
perhaps the waitress is talking about regular cigarettes, not marijuana.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Mother pings upright;
"marijuana!" </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>This translates well
and the waitress understands. Sort of.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Ah! Yes, no, you
want marijuana?? I don't .... I don't know where you can... buy... what?"</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"NO! Them!"
Another jab, "are they smoking it?? They are, they are smoking the <i>drogs</i>! The marijuana! Yes!"</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>The waitress has made
several attempts to subtly look at the group behind us but they seem to have
caught on and have now stopped their conversation and are all looking over in
our direction to see what's going on.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>The waitress then
understands a little more accurately and says; </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Oh, you don't
like... the smell.. the smoking....?" </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Immediately, the
waitress steps over to the fun group of friends and whispers something to them
and comes back to tell us that, no - in fact they are not smoking any '<i>drogs</i>'.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Mother does not accept
this and violently nods her head to say; 'no waitress you are wrong and I am
right and they <i>are</i> smoking drugs I
can smell it and I will not put up with it, it is ILLEGAL'.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Instead Mother just
says ; "Yes, they are" and fake-coughs forcefully.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>At this moment, I see
the table behind all jeer loudly - laughing - saying in Spanish; </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"eh, no
we have no drugs! But you want some?? YOU WANT SOME DRUGS, MISS?" </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Mother's back is still
facing them so I have to either awkwardly smile at them in the hopes that they
translate this as; <i>'I'm so sorry for this
crazy woman's behaviour, I don't know where she came from, I am not related to
her but I'll keep her out of public spaces in future'</i> <b>or </b>run to the bathroom with humiliation and stay there for a while.
I chose the latter.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Upon leaving, the
young adults at the table all stand up and gestured the 'smoking' hand signal,
laughing and smiling and not letting me escape without feeling like a total
disaster.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>I tried my best to
carefully explain to Mother that this behaviour was not acceptable. If she did
not like what was happening, we could have silently moved to another table or
cafe. Alas, she was appalled that I was not 100% supportive of her actions and took
no notice of my desperate attempt to quieten her opinions whilst in public. </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Several hours later,
we had to walk past the same cafe to get home. My heart sank as I saw the same
group of guys and girls sitting outside. I spotted them early on and tried to
haul Mother to the other side of the street in attempts to go unnoticed,
however the 'leader of the pack' spotted Mother (obviously, you see? The red
hair? This is such a problem;<span> </span>the more I
am seen with Mother, the more they are going to recognise me when I'm alone and
put me in the same boat!) and the crew of friends stopped drinking and stood up
to smile and wave (I feel like this was not a friendly acknowledgement but more
of a taunt). I couldn't look in that direction and marched past like a stern
and boring Brit, dragging Mother along with me. </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Mother is in no way
apologetic of her behaviour and stated<span>
</span>that she would - and <i>will </i>- be
behaving similarly if the situation presents itself. </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>If any of you have any
advice on how to react in such a mortifying situation, please comment. </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>xoxo</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
</span></span><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
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<![endif]--><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br /></span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934806416141374677.post-82453138989033069022016-03-30T00:36:00.000-07:002016-03-30T00:36:15.926-07:00Sergio's imminent breakdown<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>As strong as evidence
may argue, Mother and I do not dine out all the time. However, last night we
were forced to find a restaurant for dinner. Long story but we're currently
staying in a museum... with a questionable supply of cooking facilities. Oh yes,
we're living in a museum now. We had to vacate our previous place and now we're
here; in a historical old museum thing in the middle of The Old Town with no
heating or parking or internet or daylight or rugs but we <i>do </i>have Michelangelo alfresco paintings all over the walls so
there's that.</span></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Anywho, last night
Mother and I walked down La Rambla (not the one in central Barcelona but Spain
has yet to create more words and so we're stuck with a multitude of '<i>Juan</i>'s and '<i>Maria</i>'s and <i>'Rambla</i>'s) to
find a non-Spanish place to eat. Italian would surely be the safest choice,
right? WRONG. Being persuaded by the beautiful exterior of fairy lights and
Italian iron work, Mother confidently waltzed in and greeted the shy
19-year-old boy showing us to a table. As usual, Mother browsed every single
other available table to check that she would be sitting at the best. Luckily
for the young boy, he had chosen wisely and Mother was satisfied. </span></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>After ordering wine,
the young boy - we'll call him Sergio for the purpose of easy-reading - is
summoned over to our table by a cross Mother, who proceeds to lecture him about
wine etiquette before I interrupt and ask him, in Spanish, if he even
understands English. He does not.<span> </span>I am
now roped into more translation duties. </span></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"This wine is
cold! Wrong *shakes head* red wine is served <b>warm </b>not <b>cold. </b>This is
not right, it must be changed. Por favor."</span></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Oh.... well we
don't have any more bottles that are warmer...."</span></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"I see. Well,
could you please warm up my glass then?"</span></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Sergio looks
perplexed.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Mother rubs his
biceps; "Darling, put some hot water in the glass and then when it is warm
you can put wine in it, see?" *Frightening smile*</span></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Sergio half smiles and
looks at me for assurance, of which I give.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>A few moments later
Sergio returns with the wine and Mother is extraordinarily grateful.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>The menu looks
slightly odd. Gnocci! Excellent, that's Italian. Ah, nope. It's ... fried? Yes,
of course it is! If you are unaware, Spain like to fry everything in batter.
Chicken? Yes. Fish? Yes. Seafood? Yes. Bread? Yes. Noodles? Yes. Tomato? Yes.
Ham? Yes. Pasta? Apparently so.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>So, we order the fried
gnocci with guacamole to share as a starter. Slight mistake. A very odd
combination that we won't be having again. Not to worry, we choose foie pasta
with onions and cognac. Cool, right? Wrong again. I take a bite and mentally
spit it out but remain straight faced. Mother takes a bite and immediately
screws up her face, whips her head around to attract (frighten) Sergio and puts
her finger in the air. A streak of worry ripples through Sergio and he hurries
over to our table;</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Si?"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"What is this?
This is meat. We don't eat meat, tell him what I'm saying, darling. Tell him we
don't eat this. It's too strong... it's meat...."</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>I translate. This is
mortifying.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"It's foie...
duck, no? It's... well it's foie - which is duck.... which is ... meat,
madam"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"No but tell him
it's too strong, YUCK!"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>I tell him. Mother
rubs Sergio's biceps again.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Mother attempts to
communicate directly;</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"No es your
fault-a. It's the kitchen problema. Kitchen<span>
</span>- YUCK. Kitchen - YUCK!"</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Sergio looks very
worried. I am trying to signal to him, telepathically, to please not heave with
emotional discomfort as we will leave soon and he can breathe again.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>We ask if we can
choose something else and he obliges, of course.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Mother suggests the
calzone and Sergio looks confused.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"But... it has
ham, look!" He points to the 'jamon york' listed in the ingredients.
"It's meat" </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Yes, no, yes,
that's fine. We try, we try!" Mother laughs <b>loudly </b>and touches his arm for the seventh time. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Sergio rushes off and
Mother calls him straight back. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Wine! More wine
por favor". She then wraps her hands around her empty glass and makes a
face to suggest that she is an eskimo; huddling her body up and making a 'blow'
pout.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>I translate this to
him as; "she wants it warm again please".</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>He scuttles off and
returns with the wine a few minutes later and Mother winks at him in approval.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Sergio brings the
calzone a while later and tells us he will bring us plates and cutlery right away
so we can share. I am able to see what he's doing from my position at the table
and I witness him fixing his hair in the reflection of the lamps at the bar. He
then chats to his male colleague (I sense some tension between them). His
colleague wanders off and leaves Sergio strolling around the mirrored objects
until his eyes slowly fall upon Mother and I sitting back in our chairs;
calzone untouched. It hits him like a bullet and his Nike trainers skid to a
halt as he rapidly spins around and runs back to the kitchen, quickly emerging
with plates and cutlery.<span> </span>Poor Sergio
wanted to put down the plates and rush back but Mother caught him (physically -
by the bicep - again) and indicated 'more wine please *laugh laugh*'.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>The calzone is, sadly,
a total mess. Mother is never capable of hiding her true feelings and therefore
I found myself suddenly putting my hands together and expressively praying to
Mother to "please dear Lord do not complain again just please it's not
that bad please don't say anything oh GOD".</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>I just cannot face
Sergio's potential forthcoming panic attack.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>Mother refrains and we
reluctantly finish the calzone - swearing never to return to this particular
pizzeria. I have taken it as my responsibility to decide which restaurants I or
we can return to and I feel confident in my choices. Interestingly, they are
all Japanese. Well, what do you expect?</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>xoxo</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934806416141374677.post-72734136749146186132016-03-24T06:27:00.001-07:002016-03-24T06:27:14.601-07:00Personality Doppleganger<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">Really, I could write about several women who could kidnap Mother and assume her identity and I would be none the wiser. However, over the last few months I have found the most likely candidate; Beverly Goldberg. Some of you may already know who Beverly is but for those of you who aren't familiar;</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_tzIsaZVlLpaW1RTlqZhB3kEh98PUxcVYO3GM4eNZmzSEIqvg7aBnY-SBSgiGjd_v6Qtmoc_iuEncQatugFjB1DIFpXmwaWJpnNS_AJKPl7eG1H0vNwv_dA8n8Qt-MJw-2126RAvAZtkE/s1600/beverly08.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="352" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_tzIsaZVlLpaW1RTlqZhB3kEh98PUxcVYO3GM4eNZmzSEIqvg7aBnY-SBSgiGjd_v6Qtmoc_iuEncQatugFjB1DIFpXmwaWJpnNS_AJKPl7eG1H0vNwv_dA8n8Qt-MJw-2126RAvAZtkE/s640/beverly08.jpg" width="640" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">Beverly Goldberg was the real smotherer, according to her son, Adam. Amazingly not a fictional character; she is a real human with three children; 11-year-old Adam and teenagers Barry and Erica. I would like to share with you a few of Beverly's quotes from various episodes as a reminder to you all that this is an accurate account of what I deal with every day. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">Watching an episode this morning, I began to wonder if Mother had a strong input in the script of this show. Beverly's son, Adam, asks his mom for $2000 for a water bed and a decorative samurai sword to hang above his bed because "chicks dig it".</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><b><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i><b><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"Stanford's just so far away. I wouldn't be able to just pop in on the weekends, and hang out with you and your girlfriends and try on clothes and then have
you take me to the local college pubs, where you introduce me as your older
sister Barbie to the cute TA's."</span></span></b></i><i><b><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"></span></b></i><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span data-dobid="hdw"></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span data-dobid="hdw">Erica suggests Hawaii instead;</span></span></span></div>
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<![endif]--><span style="line-height: 115%;">"You're
not going to school in Hawaii. </span><span lang="ES-TRAD" style="line-height: 115%;">It's surrounded by sharks"</span></span></i></b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span data-dobid="hdw"><span lang="ES-TRAD" style="line-height: 115%;">... & here we see the beginnings of the safety conscious Mother.</span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span data-dobid="hdw"><span lang="ES-TRAD" style="line-height: 115%;">Mother's are, of course, concerned for their child's safety. There is 'concerned' and then there is 'Beverly'.</span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span data-dobid="hdw"><span lang="ES-TRAD" style="line-height: 115%;">Murray, Beverly's husband, speaks about Adam's ice hockey game;</span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span data-dobid="hdw"><span lang="ES-TRAD" style="line-height: 115%;"><i>"Why don't you just skate around with him all game and make sure he stay's safe?"</i></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span data-dobid="hdw"><span lang="ES-TRAD" style="line-height: 115%;"><i><b>"I know you're joking but I would do that if the situation presented itself."</b></i></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span data-dobid="hdw"><span lang="ES-TRAD" style="line-height: 115%;">More discussions over 'dangerous activities';</span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span data-dobid="hdw"><span lang="ES-TRAD" style="line-height: 115%;"><i><b>"But you know what's gonna make it even more fun? Protective cornea goggles, because Sue Engelmann's son lost his eye to a laser beam."</b></i></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span data-dobid="hdw"><span lang="ES-TRAD" style="line-height: 115%;">Mother's always have<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span> a
tragic tale to warn us about the dangers of everything;</span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><i><b><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span data-dobid="hdw"> </span></span></b><b><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"> </span></b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpPL-RHCqkJvLP7lPVd0CMUBG_IUMWwGxAnMDjA6ywBSogr2LSi3lLsLvvLTaHXV82-FcUKbnQ58qqFhOglgOZa5j9UoY8i8P5xYBtDKqk6XxAxD2DF2KIeDM4kZ9NF9Epd-KHz5VIZH7k/s1600/beverly02.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="380" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpPL-RHCqkJvLP7lPVd0CMUBG_IUMWwGxAnMDjA6ywBSogr2LSi3lLsLvvLTaHXV82-FcUKbnQ58qqFhOglgOZa5j9UoY8i8P5xYBtDKqk6XxAxD2DF2KIeDM4kZ9NF9Epd-KHz5VIZH7k/s640/beverly02.jpg" width="640" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">As strong as Beverly's passion was for safety, it was equally as strong for authority. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">Coincidentally, I've started calling Mother 'Bev'.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br />In an episode where Adam tries to get out of sports class, Beverly actively supports her son and sends him to school with a note, authorizing him to be released from any physical activity. The note is not accepted by the Coach. Equally, the rejection is not accepted by Beverly and determination hits as she strives to get what she wants. Obviously. Beverly presents Adam with a letter to take to the Coach;</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i><b><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span>"It's from
the secretary to the undersecretary to the president, who's the best friend of
the lieutenant governor's cousin who just wanted to get me out of the office,
but it's got the presidential seal, so it's official." </span></span></b></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">Perhaps a Mother's hidden manta is; "you CAN always get what you want" ... as long as the '<i>you</i>' is actually only ever '<i>Mother</i>'.</span> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-SpiuFBhkhwo02hhaqqQ932G_1Uk4psAvignic2_oIcrJTTfzqihgBw3KS8ErfadqCTzPFJIYNaH2Xq-Z2LHp4aH__AK-m56i3sgMbD_tRwCEb7Uc-1ExtY33XRyqoLNF8fCAqiV2kh9p/s1600/Best+student.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="425" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-SpiuFBhkhwo02hhaqqQ932G_1Uk4psAvignic2_oIcrJTTfzqihgBw3KS8ErfadqCTzPFJIYNaH2Xq-Z2LHp4aH__AK-m56i3sgMbD_tRwCEb7Uc-1ExtY33XRyqoLNF8fCAqiV2kh9p/s640/Best+student.png" width="640" /></a></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><b>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">The tip of the iceberg, one might say. Indeed, there are plenty more indistinguishable accounts from The Goldbergs (ie every single time Beverly appears on screen) but I shall save them for another post. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">xoxo</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934806416141374677.post-53433760425376495172016-02-10T09:11:00.000-08:002016-02-10T09:11:10.580-08:00A few photos from the Venetian Ball <br /><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOpjlG9EySLXifmGYgLyPd06JJDUVgSFaPJzJlQbd01ejJdH2NJn1EJxzHFJrooH_rGN_JPn77WS7Szaqmf0P8hHwXwX1nb39ClZu5bBwkBiAlaayoVl6c-Rd8APut3oaY4Cg4fygthjyA/s1600/DSCN5023.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPtGwd9albDrL8Q8HX-7jlhB7XNw2R7LkIeaitjvHc5F39ARTmOkmzFpR7XOy8KYYwP0_bR4UMG8n-FV_NRFPJPdihy23-gmq6IarH3TQk0JPUV0OZdYb2m4X0vl3zL-2UKy19flVWtXrh/s1600/DSCN5005.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPtGwd9albDrL8Q8HX-7jlhB7XNw2R7LkIeaitjvHc5F39ARTmOkmzFpR7XOy8KYYwP0_bR4UMG8n-FV_NRFPJPdihy23-gmq6IarH3TQk0JPUV0OZdYb2m4X0vl3zL-2UKy19flVWtXrh/s640/DSCN5005.JPG" width="480" /></a></div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhI_Rqqr3kvGqqBfVUqsmGbzAv9OkDw7dGCq1-YRJM5btZk1Hr6FFSi8R4HGz9ASUqh_6DfflQxAa_jNB68hmJKMYZcirolP5Dabu-Y-ZG8VBvW2FWPwMv1u3tlGokw0UAoYvljvZxQxzPB/s1600/DSCN5014.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="586" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhI_Rqqr3kvGqqBfVUqsmGbzAv9OkDw7dGCq1-YRJM5btZk1Hr6FFSi8R4HGz9ASUqh_6DfflQxAa_jNB68hmJKMYZcirolP5Dabu-Y-ZG8VBvW2FWPwMv1u3tlGokw0UAoYvljvZxQxzPB/s640/DSCN5014.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Found Mother between these two...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2uMa3SHjbgSmw5lCmrzQKEjNM5S3l316NdARD8xqH0gRvLL1Gc_Ie7sR3GPjoaTXspP2w6k-QMnK1-IGaKGBKzODTS9ZRRXw2P94xENVSqpbZmWt20CNu_PxA8B52uWW1NpZYi-JvqsZl/s1600/DSCN4991.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="578" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2uMa3SHjbgSmw5lCmrzQKEjNM5S3l316NdARD8xqH0gRvLL1Gc_Ie7sR3GPjoaTXspP2w6k-QMnK1-IGaKGBKzODTS9ZRRXw2P94xENVSqpbZmWt20CNu_PxA8B52uWW1NpZYi-JvqsZl/s640/DSCN4991.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">New friends :)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934806416141374677.post-2271885002579279272016-02-10T08:55:00.002-08:002016-02-10T08:55:58.290-08:00TGIF! (Thank God It's Friday)...<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The night before saw
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lights, raining money and crazy makeup and costumes. It signified the
extravagance of the week to come, yet nobody is ever really prepared for the
lavish celebrations. Having spent 3 years in a slightly <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">less </i>exhilarating part of Spain, I have learnt the art of 'rest'.</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Friday morning I awake
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">"I've got to go
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the phone.</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I ask what's happening
at 7.</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">"The Venetian
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">"huh?"</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">"I told you. Now,
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darling!"</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">"What? What's
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tea? I'm making tea..."</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">"No time for tea,
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">My phone rings at this
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adult.</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">"What is she
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I have to translate at
lightning speed and arrange an appointment. I suggest after lunch, forgetting
that Spain goes back to bed in the afternoon for 'siesta' and everything
closes. Nobody works, at all. No exceptions. The estate agent reminds me of
this and offers the option of 7pm, when she is back at work. This is wildly
frustrating and something I will never get used to. Spain want to work when I
want to put my pyjamas on.</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">So, eventually - after
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holidays - we confirm a viewing time. Throughout the process I have to
simultaneously listen to the Spanish woman and Mother loudly mouthing strange
questions at me.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">As I put the phone
down, I pick up my luke warm tea, only to put it straight back down again as
another call comes in. It's another estate agent and a similar scenario ensues.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I am on the verge of '<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hangry' </i>and Mother is pestering me to
get ready.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">"Where are we
going?"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">"We have to
leave! <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Come on! </i>Go and get ready, we
have to meet that woman at 16:30 this afternoon and you have to find out where
on earth we're supposed to<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>go because I
can't understand maps or Spanish or Spain."</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">"Wait, what? I
don't remember this arrangement..."<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">"Yes, I told you.
Anyway, we have to find you a dress before all that, the ball starts at 7. What
are you going to wear? I packed appropriate ball attire, just in case, which I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">knew</i> would come in handy! Haha, look at
us - already invited to the biggest ball of the year!"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">"I didn't think
to pack a ball gown, actually..."</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">"Of course you
didn't, which is why we need to go and find you something suitable! It's the
Venetian Ball, darling!"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">"I've got a stomach
ache.... can I just have my tea and breakfast..."</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">"No, no, no if we
don't leave now, all the shops will close! Bloody siesta fiesta thing whatever
it's called."</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">An hour later I find
myself in a changing room of an over-heated store, peeling off my layers whilst
Mother is hovering outside, handing me things to try on.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">It's literally as hot
as Nirvana and the sales assistants are sailing around the stores in crop tops
whilst customers are wrestling with their scarves and coats.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">"I can't stand
this noise, it's a bloody disco in here!" Mother shouts at me, cutting
through a terrible remix of Enrique Iglesias, "<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Can you even hear me?!</i> I have to go and tell them to turn it down,
come with me darling, I need you to tell them in Spanish!" </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I decline this
invitation, on account of me being half naked in a changing room and let her
waddle off unsupervised.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Mid-change, I hear
howling. I open my curtain and Mother is there, keeled over in a fit of
laughter, tears streaming from her face. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">"Literally what
have you done now?"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">"Oh my <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">GOD</i>!" She can't even speak
properly, "We have to leave quickly, you won't believe what I've <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">done!</i> -- Oh NO! I think I'm going to have
an accident! <b>Hahahahahahahahahaha</b> OH MY GOD!"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Now I'm struggling to
contain myself and we both collapse laughing. I ask her what she's done;</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">"There was a lady
leaving the changing room next to you...."</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">"....yes, what
did you do to her, Mother?"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">"Well, I forgot
what you were wearing today... and I thought she was you...."</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">"... and....?"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">"... Well, I
thought you were coming out to show me what you'd tried on.... so when the lady
came out of the changing room... I looked at her outfit and said <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">'no, darling, that looks horrendous!</i>'
you know, with my disgusted face... I didn't realise! Then our eyes met and she
slid past me very quickly"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">We both erupt again
and we have to crawl out of the shop unnoticed. </span></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8934806416141374677.post-86826541741163261522016-02-01T02:36:00.002-08:002016-02-01T02:36:18.407-08:00Burning up in winter<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Celebrating the end of
an assignment, I treated myself with a shopping spree in BCN city this
Saturday, bringing Mother along. Unfortunately, Mother had not slept too well
the night before, which automatically means a grumpy and irritable companion
for at least the first 3 hours of the day. Mother refused to take anything that
resembled breakfast-on-the-go (as usual) so I had to handle the 'hangry' side
of Mother too. Once on the train, Mother relaxed a little (own body instantly
de-tensed itself....<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wasn't aware I
was scrunched up in fear of an outburst) and we began to enjoy our 25 minute
journey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As always, I boarded the train
well prepared with my breakfast and a book. Mother refused to do similarly,
reacting with; </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">"we are in BARCELONA, darling! I don't want to stuff my
face in a book when there are all these <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">views!
</i>You could be enjoying all the pretty seaside towns here... <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">look!" </i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">For the duration of
the journey I managed to read only one short paragraph, for I was frequently
jabbed in the ribs by an exasperated Mother telling me how much I'm missing. At
one point, I hadn't been bothered for a good 3 minutes, so I nearly dropped my
book in shock when Mother suddenly had my thigh in an oddly strong<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>hand-clamp; "OH MY GOD. OH MY <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">GOD. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">OH
MY GOD</b>. </i><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">No. </b>No, no, no,
no,.... what's going on?!? <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Look!!!!
AHH!!"</i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Expecting to see a
giant green alien aggressively eating away at Mother's window, I turned
immediately, prepared to rescue all passengers from such a traumatic event.
However, as I followed Mother's frightful glance out of the window, I could
only see the crystal blue sky blending with the ocean, framed with beautiful
palm trees and Caribbean green hills. Confused, I asked Mother what the issue
was. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">"DARLING, WE'RE
GOING UP A MOUNTAIN!! WE'RE ON THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF LOOK WE'RE IN THE CLOUDS<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> OH MY GOD</b>!!! THIS IS MY WORST
NIGHTMARE WE HAVE TO GET OFF <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">DARLING STOP
THE TRAIN,</i> TELL THE MAN <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">TO STOP THE
TRAIN</b> MUMMY HAS TO GET OFF <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">IT'S GOING UP HIGHER OH MY GOD OH MY GOD</i></b>
..... <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">WE'RE GOING TO FALL TO OUR HORRIBLE
DEATHS ANY SECOND .. HELP US OH GOD HELLLPPPP!!!"</i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Slightly concerned, I
peered a little closer to see if Mother was dramatising or not. Sure enough,
Mother hasn't changed; the train, in fact, was on a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">slight </i>incline (so slight that it went unnoticed by every other
passenger...) and the track ran along the edge of a small <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hill</i> tracing the outline of the beach for about half a kilometre. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">"Mother, we are
not going up a mountain. In fact, we are many miles away from anything
resembling a mountain. This is in fact the ocean, look, see? That is a beach.
Please calm down and release your grip from my leg because people are starting
to move out of our carriage. I think you're scaring them."</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">"Nope. NO! I
can't do it!! There is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">NO WAY IN HELL</i>
we are doing this again. My palms are <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">so</i>
sweaty LOOK DARLING <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">this is making me
physically ill</i> I CANNOT GO ON!!"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">So it went on like
this until we arrived.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">An enjoyable day out
in the city would not be complete without a mortifying moment, at my expense
(as usual). Struggling with shopping bags, I decide I have enough arms for one
more and so shuffle into a well-known flip-flop store (the sales were on, valid
excuse).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whilst checking out a pair,
Mother waltzes up behind me and whispers (loudly); </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">"GOSH, darling, I think
we're going to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">have </i>to buy something!
Have you seen the sales assistant?!" winking at me, nodding to the
young, Brazilian re-stocking. You may wonder how I know he is Brazilian. Mother
has already obtained this information, along with the rest of his personal
profile, whilst enthusiastically chatting to him about shoe sizes.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">As I'm choosing a
pair, I ask a different assistant if they have them in my size. He leaves and
then returns a few minutes later to disappoint me. However, Mother would not
let me leave without purchasing something, of course. So she encourages (forces)
me to try the pair on, even though they are a size too big. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">"It doesn't
matter, darling. They're flip-flops! You need them bigger!"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Despite having been
told by the Brazilian that the size must be accurate for this reason and that
reason, Mother insists I slide around the shop in these flippers, looking like
a lost penguin. At this point, looking like a complete idiot, Mr Brazil
saunters over (Mother elbows me hard) and asks if he could be of assistance. I
am just about to politely decline (I am British. British people decline shop
assistance 100% of the time no matter what the circumstances. This is common
knowledge. Alas, not for Mother).</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">"YES! Yes, por
favor, now I know you don't have these in the right size... they're too big ...
but... they're nice, aren't they!"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">He peers down at my
size 4 foot drowning in the beautifully grand rubber shoe. He starts to bend
down and I want to die. After the whole 'moving house' thing, I haven't had a
chance to get a pedicure. I am very meticulous about beauty maintenance so, to
me, 2 weeks pedicure-free leaves me extremely conscious that eyes should stay
at least two metres away from my feet. As he bends even closer to my chipped
nail polish, Mother decides to make this uncomfortable situation harrowingly
dire. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">"Oh! You should
give her a foot massage while you're down there! She's got lovely feet, she
should be a foot model, don't you think? Go on, give her a foot ma-- <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ooof</i>!"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I jabbed her, hard, in
the ribs and she managed to bounce back a step or two.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Mr Brazil looks up
from examining shoe-to-foot ratio; "Que?"</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">"Nothing!
Nothing... don't worry" I manage to mutter, out of my beetroot face. I am
sweating, my hair is stuck to my face.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Recognising my glare,
Mother has been silenced. Mr Brazil discourages me from buying the giant
flip-flops but offers some other options, which we speak about briefly whilst
Mother is made to stand shamefully by the entrance. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Finally back on the
cool January city streets and my red face is going back to its normal shade as
I escort Mother and I home (with the oversized flip-flops in my bag, of
course). </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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