Friday 11 September 2015

Claude the Cucaracha



Last night we had one of those moments where I REALLY WISH I HAD FILMED THE WHOLE THING.

After catching up on The X Factor, I head into my bedroom, turn the light on and am involuntarily greeted by the biggest cockroach perched on the wall about 3 inches from my face. 

"Mummy mummy mummy mummy MUMMY...!!"

"What, darling?"

"There's a ... thin- ... a thing... a cockroach... here... on my... wall... here... HELP! It's HUGE OMG it's the biggest thing I've ever seen oh my GOD get rid of it!!"

At this point, Mother comes in with force, ready to exterminate. However, as I point out the intruder, Mother takes note of the size of him....

"Oh. OH MY GOD. Okay okay okay it's okay, okay. So.... ok. OK. OH MY GOD. ....."

Now, we are both standing there like lemons.

Suddenly, with NO warning at all (rude), the cockroach leaps off the wall and flies very quickly into my bathroom!

I can provide 100% honesty in saying that neither Mother nor I have screamed so loudly in all my life. Mother, for once, had her brain in gear and quickly closed the bathroom door to trap him, whilst I ran around the house (mostly hopping on the furniture to avoid more creepy insects on the floor.... obviously) screaming and partially laughing.

Mother then instructs me;

"Darling! Call security! Quickly, call the men to come and help us!"

After explaining to the Spanish security guard on the phone that we have a HUGE cockroach in our apartment and will he come and rescue us please, Mother - who is grasping the door handle of the bathroom to keep the cockroach from prising open the door, against the force of a human, with his giant muscle-arms - calls to me;

"Honey, come and guard the door while I go and put my lipstick on! I can't be seen like this."

(She has her pyjamas tucked into her wellies and yet it is the lipstick that is prioritised).

We then swap guard duty again while I fix my hair.

Two minutes later, the security guards arrive. Two men equipped with guns and truncheons.... and insect repellent.

"OH! GRACIAS! Gracias! Please help us... is in there... grande... GRANDE!" Mother attempts more communication. Embarrassing.

The two guards do not speak English, so I have to translate to Mother what they are doing / saying. This is extremely difficult when Mother is constantly flapping her arms and yelling; "DON'T KILL HIM DON'T KILL HIM DON'T KILL HIM DON'T LET THEM KILL HIM OH GOD ARE THEY GOING TO KILL HIM!?"

The guards are now in my bathroom with their flash lights, looking for the 'cucaracha'.

A few minutes later they spray what looks like insecticide all over my bathroom and close the door.

"Do not worry, all it is under control, we have under control now. We have sprayed this... the cucaracha will die, is ok now".

Jolly good, dead cucaracha. I'm not bothered (Mother is close to tears) so long as it's not sharing the same space as me.

The guards leave and I'm ready to head to bed, content with the thought that the necessary action has taken place and I will not be eaten alive by a cockroach.

Mother has a different view.

"You do know it's not dead, don't you?"

"What?"

"It's not dead, I'll bet you. It's still in there.... somewhere."

"I'm sure the guards have dealt with it..."

"No. I don't think we're safe. Do you want to risk being killed by a cockroach tonight? DO YOU? Because, let me tell you, he will come for you tonight, little Claude. While you're sleeping, his antennae will poke up your nose. He will bite off your eyelashes, did you know that??"

Great. So, there's no way I'll be sleeping tonight, whatever happens. We better find this cockroach and see that he is dead with our own eyes.

Mother assumes the position of hero once again.

Thirty seconds later, Mother is slowly opening the bathroom door to locate the cockroach.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHH AHHHHHHHHHH OH MY GODDD!!!!"

Ok, so Claude is alive. Very much so, in fact. His wings are definitely intact. We both spend the next five minutes screaming and running around the house with various capturing-objects. We are hysterically laughing each time we find the cockroach and are both too afraid to get any closer, so it's a consistent pattern of opening the door, seeing the cockroach, feeling relief that he is in view before screaming and running away. This cycle repeats for five more minutes until Mother's bravery kicks in;

"Right, that's it, I've had enough. You're getting out, we're setting you free. Don't worry, Claude, we won't hurt you... come HERE!"

& with a frantic, squealing swoop, Mother captures Claude in a glass and carries him away to freedom (while I stand on my bed, squealing).

Living with Mother has its perks.

Honestly, Mother has trumped the security guard's ability once again and I feel very lucky today. My voice is lost but my eyelashes are still here and what's more important? Exactly.


 xoxo


Giant Claude
 

Security to the rescue