English Lessons or High Tea?

Today's 'event' passed like all the others and I almost forgot that I had a blog - dedicated to documenting such things. I'm glad I remembered, as now I am beginning to fear that Mother's odd behaviour is developing rapidly and I welcome advice on how to sedate her.

I recruited Mother to join me on my annual bikini hunt (side note: this is the time of year I despise the most. Not because I'm self-conscious of my body at all but simply because I never find anything remotely nice and end up in tears in the changing room whilst Mother is in hysterics at my suddenly-distorted figure). Having saved our trip until the end of the day (when all the shops open. Spain.), we walk through the streets as the sun sets and the much needed breeze picks up. In the summer in Spain, I learned yesterday, the children finish school at 1pm and never return until the following day because it's "too hot" to learn. Which consequently means that any activities / errands I have to do must be infested with extremely ill-behaved children darting around at my feet on their scooters with their bl**dy bread and cakes smothered all over their faces (sorry, I am not a 'children' kind of girl but I won't rant. I shall also stop while I'm ahead regarding my rants on food... "Oh, how lovely you live in Spain - all that lovely Mediterranean food at your fingertips!" .... SORRY CAN I JUST BUTT IN HERE AND CONFIRM, KNOWLEDGEABLY, THAT THERE IS NO LOVELY MEDITERRANEAN CUISINE TO BE FOUND ANYWHERE IN THIS COUNTRY BECAUSE ALL THEY EAT IS BREAD AND FRIED THINGS AND PASTRY AND BREAD AND CAKES AND BREAD AND BAGUETTES AND HAM IF YOU'RE LUCKY AND BREAD!)

Okay so now we all understand that Spanish food is the only thing that gets me a tad agitated. Back to zen-me.

So, Mother and I are browsing the lanes. Mother stops at the cash point and I observe a group of 12-ish year old school children in the plaza; they're evidently trying to practice their English amongst each other - which I find quite sweet. They're doing some kind of project together as they have a clipboard with supposed questions like "do you know the way to the station" etc. As we are leaving, Mother looks at the children and I explain what I think is going on. Just as I turn to continue up the street, Mother announces; 

"Hey, let's go and t---" 

... and with that, she quickly becomes out of earshot as I turn back around to see Mother walking over to the group of children! How great. I strain to hear her say; 

"HELLO! HOLA! HOW ARE YOU?" as she bends down to their level.

I immediately adopt 100% concern for myself - believing that any second I will hear a shrill "DARLING! DARLING COME HERE I NEED YOUR HELP TALK TO THESE GIRLS AND BOYS IN SPANISH QUICKLY DARLING!!" 

So, with this terrifying (and quite likely) presumption in my head, I literally run down the street. Honestly, I run so I can blend in with the crowd - so as not to be associated with Mother at the present moment. I head into a large store and hide at the back, making sure I can see out of the window. I pretend to be somewhat interested in the vile mixture of colours displayed on the plus size mannequins as I try hard to rid my mind of the awkward scene that's playing in my head;

Mother approaches children. Children look quite terrified (Mother is wearing a rather large African hat and bountiful dress, speaking stern, plum-in-mouth English). A few children scuttle away. A few stay, intrigued. Mother says; 

"Hello. Do. You. Speak. English." in a Spanish accent. A child looks perplexed as he/she tries to decipher what Mother is saying. Mother continues; 

"You. Are. Learning. English. Yes?" 

It clicks, with one child, as he/she perks up, saying; 

"Do you know way to station? Where is scooter in the sea?" 

Mother claps excitedly. Mother jumps a little with glee. Mother says; 

"EXCELLENTE! Mucho bien, children!" 

and  then; "What scooter in the sea, darlings?" 

The children try to have a hand-gesture conversation to convey what they mean and Mother eventually decides they mean to say 'groin' ; 

"Ah! Oui! Si! The groin. We say groin. It is the groin you are looking for! In the sea!" 

The children are very confused and look at Mother; 

"groy? grin? oin?" 

Mother gets a little closer and enunciates even more; 

"GROIN! Groin!" 

Eventually, the children and Mother complete their understanding of each other and Mother ceases the English lesson as the children run off.

This imaginary scene, playing in my head whilst I hide behind an orange kaftan, is actually not so imaginary after all. In fact, I see Mother peering into the window of the shop I'm in as she spots me and waves violently for me to come out. I obey - first checking that it is not resembling the Tale of Jemima Puddle-Duck; Mother leading a trail of smaller children in a line behind her.

"Where were you?? I needed your help with Spanish!"

"Mhmm. Come on, let's go before they catch up with us."

"What? What are you talking about, I had a wonderful conversation! Very sweet. One of them ran away but the shy tomboy spoke to me in English! I said "mucho bien", darling - what does that mean? Is that right?"

"No. It means 'much good'."

"Oh. Well, anyway they asked me to help them with their school work! I think they understood me because I speak like the Queen, darling and that's how they learn English, isn't it?"

Mother continues to recite the details of her adventure - which matched exactly with what I had imagined.

I manage to persuade Mother to resume to the errands we had to do; not yet having found a bikini. Five minutes later we're coming out of a shop and face a boy and a girl with clipboards. Mother immediately shoves her hand inches from the girl's face, waves frantically and loudly shouts; 

"HOLA! HOLA!!"

I am staring at her. So is the girl.

"Uhh.... hola..." The girl replies, looking at the boy.

"REMEMBER ME??!  DO YOU LEARN ENGLISH? YOU ARE LEARNING ENGLISH - HELLO!"

"No... uhh..." The girl is terrified.

"No English...." The girl continues as she bends her whole body back - away - from Mother.

"YES! NO? YES!" Mother continues the awkward conversation whilst I try to observe the window of another shop.

The two children scuttle off as soon as Mother looks away and the boy nervously waves goodbye. Bless him, so very confused by this British asylum escapee.

I quickly pan the area to check that there's no other children running around - waiting to be victimised. All clear. I continue my quest whilst Mother says;

 "Oh darling, they must have thought I was very important. I mean, look at me; I'm wearing a dress fit for tea with royalty - they probably thought I was royalty to be honest, darling. I've even got an occasional hat, it's straw! Don't you think, darling? Bless them - so shy in front of royalty. It's quite understandable."