Today's 'event' passed
like all the others and I almost forgot that I had a blog - dedicated to
documenting such things. I'm glad I remembered, as now I am beginning to fear
that Mother's odd behaviour is developing rapidly and I welcome advice on how
to sedate her.
I recruited Mother to
join me on my annual bikini hunt (side note: this is the time of year I despise
the most. Not because I'm self-conscious of my body at all but simply because I
never
find anything remotely nice and end up in tears in the changing room whilst
Mother is in hysterics at my suddenly-distorted figure). Having saved our trip
until the end of the day (when all the shops open. Spain.), we walk through the
streets as the sun sets and the much needed breeze picks up. In the summer in
Spain, I learned yesterday, the children finish school at 1pm and never return
until the following day because it's "too hot" to learn. Which
consequently means that any activities / errands I have to do must be infested
with extremely ill-behaved children darting around at my feet on their scooters
with their bl**dy bread and cakes smothered all over their faces (sorry, I am
not a 'children' kind of girl but I won't rant. I shall also stop while I'm
ahead regarding my rants on food... "Oh, how lovely you live in Spain -
all that lovely Mediterranean food at your fingertips!" .... SORRY CAN I
JUST BUTT IN HERE AND CONFIRM, KNOWLEDGEABLY, THAT THERE IS NO LOVELY
MEDITERRANEAN CUISINE TO BE FOUND ANYWHERE IN THIS COUNTRY BECAUSE ALL THEY EAT
IS BREAD AND FRIED THINGS AND PASTRY AND BREAD AND CAKES AND BREAD AND
BAGUETTES AND HAM IF YOU'RE LUCKY AND BREAD!)
Okay so now we all
understand that Spanish food is the only thing that gets me a tad agitated.
Back to zen-me.
So, Mother and I are
browsing the lanes. Mother stops at the cash point and I observe a group of
12-ish year old school children in the plaza; they're evidently trying to
practice their English amongst each other - which I find quite sweet. They're
doing some kind of project together as they have a clipboard with supposed
questions like "do you know the way to the station" etc. As we are
leaving, Mother looks at the children and I explain what I think is going on. Just
as I turn to continue up the street, Mother announces;
"Hey, let's go and
t---"
... and with that, she quickly becomes out of earshot as I turn back
around to see Mother walking over to the group of children! How great. I strain
to hear her say;
"HELLO! HOLA! HOW ARE YOU?" as she bends down to
their level.
I immediately adopt
100% concern for myself - believing that any second I will hear a shrill "DARLING! DARLING COME HERE I NEED YOUR HELP TALK TO THESE GIRLS AND BOYS
IN SPANISH QUICKLY DARLING!!"
So, with this terrifying (and quite likely)
presumption in my head, I literally run down the street. Honestly, I run so I
can blend in with the crowd - so as not to be associated with Mother at the
present moment. I head into a large store and hide at the back, making sure I
can see out of the window. I pretend to be somewhat interested in the vile mixture
of colours displayed on the plus size mannequins as I try hard to rid my mind
of the awkward scene that's playing in my head;
Mother approaches
children. Children look quite terrified (Mother is wearing a rather large African
hat and bountiful dress, speaking stern, plum-in-mouth English). A few children
scuttle away. A few stay, intrigued. Mother says;
"Hello. Do. You. Speak.
English." in a Spanish accent. A child looks perplexed as he/she tries to
decipher what Mother is saying. Mother continues;
"You. Are. Learning.
English. Yes?"
It clicks, with one child, as he/she perks up, saying;
"Do you know way to station? Where is scooter in the sea?"
Mother
claps excitedly. Mother jumps a little with glee. Mother says;
"EXCELLENTE! Mucho bien, children!"
and then; "What scooter in the sea,
darlings?"
The children try to have a hand-gesture conversation to convey
what they mean and Mother eventually decides they mean to say 'groin' ;
"Ah! Oui! Si! The groin. We say groin. It is the groin
you are looking for! In the sea!"
The children are very confused and look
at Mother;
"groy? grin? oin?"
Mother gets a little closer and enunciates
even more;
"GROIN! Groin!"
Eventually, the children
and Mother complete their understanding of each other and Mother ceases the
English lesson as the children run off.
This imaginary scene,
playing in my head whilst I hide behind an orange kaftan, is actually not so
imaginary after all. In fact, I see Mother peering into the window of the shop
I'm in as she spots me and waves violently for me to come out. I obey - first
checking that it is not resembling the Tale of Jemima Puddle-Duck; Mother
leading a trail of smaller children in a line behind her.
"Where were you?? I needed your help with
Spanish!"
"Mhmm. Come on,
let's go before they catch up with us."
"What? What are
you talking about, I had a wonderful conversation!
Very sweet. One of them ran away but the shy tomboy spoke to me in English! I
said "mucho bien", darling - what does that mean? Is that
right?"
"No. It means
'much good'."
"Oh. Well, anyway
they asked me to help them with their school work! I think they understood me
because I speak like the Queen, darling and that's how they learn English,
isn't it?"
Mother continues to
recite the details of her adventure - which matched exactly with what I had
imagined.
I manage to persuade
Mother to resume to the errands we had to do; not yet having found a bikini. Five
minutes later we're coming out of a shop and face a boy and a girl with
clipboards. Mother immediately shoves
her hand inches from the girl's face, waves frantically and loudly shouts;
"HOLA! HOLA!!"
I am staring at her.
So is the girl.
"Uhh....
hola..." The girl replies, looking at the boy.
"REMEMBER ME??! DO YOU LEARN ENGLISH? YOU ARE LEARNING ENGLISH
- HELLO!"
"No...
uhh..." The girl is terrified.
"No
English...." The girl continues as she bends her whole body back - away -
from Mother.
"YES! NO?
YES!" Mother continues the awkward conversation whilst I try to observe
the window of another shop.
The two children
scuttle off as soon as Mother looks away and the boy nervously waves goodbye.
Bless him, so very confused by this British asylum escapee.
I quickly pan the area
to check that there's no other children running around - waiting to be
victimised. All clear. I continue my quest whilst Mother says;
"Oh darling, they
must have thought I was very important. I mean, look at me; I'm wearing a dress
fit for tea with royalty - they probably thought I was royalty to be honest, darling. I've even got an occasional hat,
it's straw! Don't you think, darling? Bless them - so shy in front of royalty.
It's quite understandable."
